MOVIE REVIEW: I AM NUMBER FOUR

I went to go see I am Number Four this Wednesday in IMAX. I knew this wouldn't be worth a movie ticket, especially one that costs seventeen freaking bucks but I figured anything gets bonus points when played on a monstrous screen, really really loud. I also can find the good in just about any movie... usually. That and my buddy really wanted to see it for some unknown reason.

Short Verdict
(Semi-Spoiler Free)
It's Twilight with aliens. If you like watching teen heart throb Alex Pettyfer (unknown to me before this) for long periods of time, then go see this movie immediately. If you want an original plot with with great acting, new visual concepts and to leave the movie with your mind blown or jaw on the floor, look elsewhere. Rent it, pirate it or wait for Netflix. Don't blow much (if any) dough on this standard Hollywood filler flick.
Stars: ★★★☆☆

Full Review
**SPOILER ALERT**
This movie was chock full of teenage high school drama vomit. Jocks versus nerds, former cheerleader turned completely unbelievable artsy misguided and ousted loner, classic teens rebelling against their parental units, the works. As I mentioned above, this was essentially Twilight but with aliens. "I am this creature with great power but I can't be with you, girl I just met, because it's far too dangerous for us both. But I our love and sexual frustration is eternal!" This was the majority of the movie but at least this main guy wasn't a lanky, doofus, mongoloid with a down syndrome face and icky hair.

I suffered through all that WB network dodoo in hopes of getting an action packed finale payoff. I was only mildly disappointed. There were some pretty cool fight scenes but half of the time they did that blurry camera nonsense to save them from actually paying effects guys. I want to actually SEE the action damn it! I liked the powers each good guy had and I just wanted to watch as much of that as possible. Glowing palm heat blaster powers that you can also use as flashlights? Though it was interesting seeing how uncontrollable they were at first and how it progressed, we all saw that in the Ironman flicks.

My biggest issue through all of this was with the antagonists. Just because you shave their heads, slap tribal tattoos on their domes, put fake pointy teeth in and make them wear long black trench coats, doesn't make them scary, hardcore or cool. To make it cheesier, each villain was packing huge plastic looking alien plasma guns. Go-go sci-fi cliches! They really didn't put much thought into these clowns. I use the word clowns on purpose because they had the mentalities of handicapped children. Essentially, they were no match for the good guy aliens what so ever.

I know it seems like I'm taking a massive dump on this movie but really I'm not… well not that big of one. Maybe just a handful of rabbit turds. It had flaws but I've seen worse and it was still better than Twilight.

ROT: NO SPEAK MONKEY

Nicky has a thing for those quarter machines that are filled with cheap little toys locked inside clear-domed "Easter" eggs. I can't say that I blame her, I love those machines too. Toys rule. I try to remember to keep fifty cents in my pocket every time we go grocery shopping just as my mother did for my brother and I. Nothing lights up her face like a cute little plastic animal.

This little dude she surprised me with one day coming back from lunch. She got herself one too of course but it definitely made me crack a grin. Mine currently sits atop my computer.


p.s. Man I really suck at keeping my Thursday posts on actual Thursday! My bad... again.

ART OF THE VIDEO GAME

I read today that the Smithsonian is doing an exhibition to the art of video games. A 40-year evolution and best of all is you get to help judge on it! High freaking five and count me in.

There are total of 80 games you can chose to "win" and each is chosen out of a set of three games per system. But you don't have to choose them all. I made sure and didn't vote for ones I hadn't played and if there was only one I did play out of the three contenders, I gave the others a fighting chance. I really thought about how cool looking the game I had experienced was and even did quick art research on the others. What can I say, I like to be thorough. That and I'm kinda nerdy sometimes.

It's shocking some of the game choices they have on there. Some really greatly underrated titles made the lists that I thought no one would ever remember or ever give it's due credit. Like uber neat-o Jet Grind Radio, the gorgeous and heart wrenching Shadow of the Colossus, the super artsy and dark Limbo and one of my all time favorites from the Nintendo days, Shadowgate!

I'm glad they were mentioned but some of the really beautiful but lesser known games are set against big titles making it pretty unfair. Take Shadowgate. It had rad medieval art and creepy-esque themes, it was like a choose your own adventure book brought to life! But it's matched against two of Nintendo's powerhouses, The Legend of Zelda and Final Fantasy. If you remember, those two were pretty flat and really not that visually stunning. They were on the other hand uber fun and absorbed countless hours to conquer and have some of the biggest fan followings of all time, including me. Most likely one of those will win just from name recognition alone and I would almost bet money it will be Zelda. On the other hand, sometimes the Smithsonian's choices are a total titan fight. The three choices for Xbox 360 for example is from Gears of War 2, Halo 3 and Bioshock. Those are all some big names in the modern industry but that one is no contest to me. Bioshock all the way baby. Amazing soundtrack, beautiful and innovative designs, stellar story and damn near perfect. Though great to look at, the other two are just alien splatter fests in crumbling urban settings rather than a genetic freak show maniac hunt nestled in a 1960's underwater art deco meets steampunk stylized underwater dystopian city.

Anyways, go pick your prettiest favorites but think hard and long before you make your choice. You can't change your answers! Don't judge on your love for the game alone and how many hours you sat trying to beat some of these ridiculously hard classics. Try to really remember how visually spectacular and artistically innovative it was. Art and video games... hooray!

DREAM: VIXEN AND THE SHEARS

Time for another dream!

I was working out of this big house and a lot of the people that I work with at my current job were there. I was coming in to work late and when I got there, my cat Vixen came up to me as usual. Immediately I know something was amiss. She was walking funny, shaking and more crying than meowing. I picked her up to kiss and console her and I noticed blood on her right front paw. On further examination I found that her toes had been cut off! Not just a single foot though but every single one of her precious kitty toes was mangled off.

I lost it. I dug through the miscellaneous drawer until I grasped onto the object I needed, a pair of huge, industrial, shiny silver shears. I then proceeded to grab everybody one by one, toss them against a solid surface and with one of their pinkies between my shears, violently demand to know what the hell happened.

Working from person to person and interrogating them, I finally found the culprit. As tears of anger were streaming down my face, I grabbed the woman out of her minivan as she was trying to leave. Pushing her up against her ride with the shears at her throat I asked what her motives were. This fat waste of space replied in a smug tone, "I saw her scratching one of the chairs so I declawed her."

My head nearly exploded.

"You couldn't wait until I came in to tell me so that I could take her home!?" I screamed.

She just shrugged.

I then cut off her pinky fingers, took her to court, sued her for attacking my cat and actually won. Vixen unfortunately was never the same.

I woke up on the verge of tears, angry and panicked but Vixen was right there and just fine. That morning she gave me tons of lovin' and I told her the whole story. She seemed grateful to have a parent that would never let anything like that ever happen.

Moral of the story:
Never declaw cats and don't you ever, ever hurt one of my felines or I will fuck you up.

CAPTAIN CRABBY MODE

More often than not, I am a jovial fellow. I like to spread love and make the world a better place through random acts of kindness. I pride myself on being a people person. But everyone needs their space to stew in irritability from time to time. Life always finds a way to make us all pissy at some point or another. My question is, why is it when you want to be left alone, everyone wants to freaking talk to you? It's almost like the most annoying people on earth get an urgent notice with your exact daily itinerary so they will have no problems tracking you down over and over again.

I'm never rude but my responses are short, to the point and my body language is pretty obvious as well. After I answer your question, I politely turn away from you, go back to whatever it was I was doing, all in courteous attempt to nicely discourage you from annoying me any further. I keep my eye contact to a minimum and I don't smile a lot. I purposely take other routes or wait until people have left my destination before I venture there. I focus on tasks to avoid human interaction.

But no matter what is done, the oblivious cretins who can't read body language and unmistakable warning signs, still have to bug you. If you can't tell when someone wants to be left alone just by looking at them, after the human race has had two hundred thousand years of perfecting non-verbal communication, then you are a retard. I don't want to talk about your cats bowel movements. I don't care if your offspring barfed in it's desk at school. I matters not to me that you drank a case of beer by yourself and passed out watching the funniest episode of Glee or some other mindless TV show last night. I want to be left alone. I don't hate you and I'm most likely not even cross by an issue you were even a part of. I'm angry at something I have no control over. I'm in physical or mental pain, not feeling well, tired as hell or maybe I just don't want to put up with monotonous petty crap. The poo filled possibilities are endless and it doesn't really matter, it's about me and something I want to deal with by my lonesome. Don't take it personally.

So if my brow is furrowed and I don't immediately say hi with a smile like I normally do, then it's feasible that I'm in captain crabby mode. Hence, it's probably best to leave me be. Just a heads up, arbitrary delicious offerings of doughnuts or chocolate that are left where I can find them might appease the beast. Just don't let me catch you there... I might bite you too.

ROBOCOP STATUE

Pay homage to war heroes, presidents, civil rights leaders? Detroit says no thanks. The want to erect something way more awesome, a statue of Robocop! Best idea ever. The people came together and raised dough to make it happen. How cool is that!? It better be bad ass though because Murphy is one of my fondest childhood icons.

That just makes me wish Kansas was known for something dope. Why couldn't Optimus Prime have crash landed here? Couldn't Wes Craven have made elm street in Wichita so we could have a Freddy Krueger piece? Piss on Gotham, why not make Batman defend Kansas City? I could care less about the Wizard of freaking Oz. Though I do have to admit, a fifty foot statue of the wicked witch of the west surrounded by a horde of flying monkeys would be pretty epic.

ROT: THE FRANKFORMER

Typically I do Random Object Thursday with images of things that I physically find. But rules are meant to be broken. I stumbled on something, via the amazing interwebz, that was just too crazy to pass up talking about.

I have found the coolest wiener altering device on earth. No, it has nothing to do with any pumping mechanisms you sickos. It's for your hot dogs! I discovered the The FrankFormer, A made in the USA device that turns ordinary franks into little creatures. You stick your cylindrical meat-typed object into the little plastic pod you see below, close it, and it cuts a face, legs and arms into it, creating a weenie person. Genius!

RUBBER

I now have something to look forward to besides the new Batman, Captain America (which will most likely suck but I just love super heros) and the proposed Tron 3... Rubber. It has nothing to do with prophylactics or erectile maintaining devices, though it is shaped like one. I won't spoil it for you. Just watch this trailer.



Holy monkey nuts dipped in cottage cheese, doesn't that look amazing!? This quenches my insatiable thirst for both randomness and horror flicks. If it's done well it might just be my pick for best movie of the year. Plus, I love the poster design. Simple, clean and memorable. Killer tire? Get some.

Rubber (Official Movie Site)

RED PILL OR BLUE PILL

By now you must have seen The Matrix and most likely the entire trilogy. If you take the blue pill you stay in your nice computer fabricated life, blissfully unaware. If you take the red pill you wake up to a world of shit. Now in the movie, there was a slim chance to regain our world and fix things. That was all dependent on the prophecy that "the one" would come along and save us all. That's all fine and dandy for a good story but things are never that easy. There is no savior that you can bet the farm on. The spoon be damned, there is no Neo.

Even so, I would still take the red pill just so I could do the amazing things Neo and his gang of rebels did when they plugged back in. Knowing you have no boundaries is still pretty awesome even if there is no saving the human race. But what if you wake up to a desolate world with no hope of ever returning? What if once you were out, you were permanently out? You have to live like a rat in a wasteland of a world until you die? Oh gee awesome. Then the real question is if you would tell any of your friends and family. You're loved ones are enjoying their fast food, white picket fenced house, new cars and mindless TV programs with only trivial issues to deal with. Would you rip them from all that and their euphoric dream-state just so they could know the truth? Are you a good friend for letting them stay in bliss or for not lying?

Let me just say this. I'm all for a revolution but it can't be utterly hopeless, lead to an inevitable demise and be slathered in pain and misery every step of the way. So if you get out of the machine, it ultra sucks in the "real" world and you can't jack back in to eat burritos and fly like super man every now and again, then leave me the hell alone. If there is no point in a resistance, we can't rebuild and I'm screwed either way, just let me live in my own sick little fantasy world. You go enjoy your stinky cave, eat gruel and dodge robotic slavers bent on killing you. I'll sit at home on my comfy green 50's couch and play Xbox while drinking fine lagers until I pass out.

VALENTINES: HEART ATTACK

I don't have much to say today for Valentines. But I figured I should do something in honor of this mushy, cupid perforated, lovey-dovey, barf fest. So I will talk about my one illustration that involves a whole lotta heart, Heart Attack.

I created this a few years ago while going through some tumultuous love issues. I was inspired to do a three part series of illustrations involving love consuming heart monsters. This was the first and only that I made. I would like to one day finish the trilogy but for now this one has satisfied my love/hate needs. As for where it all spawned from, I always try to use as many real aspects in my illustrations as possible. This one was no different as I used a actual picture of a heart as the base model. The mouth was derived from a hybrid of a vampire bat and the monster from Aliens, which was no accident. The rest just fell into place from what I had originally sketched in my twisted little head. Die love die!

ROT: PINKY RING

You might have noticed that I wear a metallic ring on my little finger of my left hand. Where did it come from? I stole it from Nicky. Where did she get it? She stole it from her friend Tiffany. Where did she get it? She stole it... well, I don't know where she stole it from or if she even stole it in the first place. But I would like to think she did and that one day someone will steal it from me and so on for all of eternity.

Anyways, I wear it so it looks like a solid band. It in fact has a butterfly and *gag* tribal sprouting from each wing. I decided it's probably best to keep that hidden if I still want to call myself a heterosexual male.

SNOW DEATH

A few weeks ago when we had our first super serious snow, I had a creepy photo idea. I gathered all my fake blood, stuffed Nicky in a sleeping bag head first, then wrapped her in trash bags and duct tape and headed for the hills. I then was going to have my brother drag her through the snow. We got out there and really tried to hurry before our digits froze and snapped off. First, Nicky got a bit claustrophobic. Then Richard and I went numb from the zero degree weather. I don't want to shoot in wintry elements and I wouldn't expect any model or assistant to either. So I made the executive decision to kill that idea completely. As cool as a murder scene in the snow would be, the cold sucks. Know what else blows? As I type this it's freaking snowing... again. *sigh*

Now I'm just going to sip cocoa, let my body fat index rise and wait for it to warm up just like everyone else. Winter has frozen my creative motivation. Just so you know, I have a ton of new ideas. Possibly for a whole new themed photo series...

Anyways, stay posted my friends and if you haven't signed up for updates on here, now would be as good time as any. ;)

HIDE THE SQUID

Recently, I have been wearing my Israeli combat boots with my business attire to work due to all this freaking snow. It reminds me of a different time when I wore boots on the regular and I have something I want to get off my chest. This mainly goes out to all the people I met while living outside of my birth state as my family and friends in Kansas all know the truth. It's something I have mixed feelings about and have hid from most everyone.

As you may have noticed, I have troubles with authority figures and an inherent distaste for the government in general. Funny thing is, I used to be on Uncle Sam's payroll. So here it is my friends, I was in the Navy. That's right, this rebellious spreader of discontent was once a cog in the United States war machine. Why did I join? Free college was a big reason but mainly because I was stagnant in Wichita and I needed a serious change in my life. I really had no means of ever escaping on my own back then. The way I saw it I had two choices. One, Live and die in obscurity in Kansas. Two, try to make something of myself on the governments dime with the slight chance of biting the big one for my country. I figured what the hell, better to burn out than to fade away. Plus one of my best friends Ben was signing up too so why not.

I have always wrestled with the pride in serving my country and embarrassment of calling myself a deviant yet working for the man. At first I loved it, even in boot camp. It was a new experience unlike any before and I was doing something honorable in my families eyes. All through the training and schooling I continued to enjoy my time as it was pretty much like going to college but with slightly more rules. The physical aspect I was quite fond of too. I partied, met lots of cool people and saw places I probably never would have without the Navy.

The seeds of disdain were growing though as there were an inordinate amount of douche bags, mindless clones, tools and gung-ho moronic pricks wrapped in the same uniform as I. The percentage of actually worth while enlisted people was very low. I started hiding my military status in Florida when I realized the bad taste most civilians had for sailors. I could understand it though due to the frequent contact with these mostly idiotic young men. Their drinking, mischief and abuses was well known and it made life tough for those few that weren't pieces of crap under a dixie cup. That dislike of military types was seriously multiplied in Virginia because of the extraordinarily high amount of bases located there.

When I was a single man, I had to hide it flawlessly or never get a decent date, ever. By then though I was putting up with so much crap from the military and it's "leaders" on a regular basis that I hated life and didn't mind masking it anyways. Eventually I had my fill and honorably got the hell out of there. But that wasn't the end of it. The more I grew as an artist, the more I danced around the truth. The farther I came into my personality which was the opposite of a military type, the more the shame grew. The more contact I had with random jackass seaman around Virginia, the more I hated them and that old version of myself. It kept getting worse and worse. The abhorrence for and concealment of my naval past continued until I finally moved out of Virginia.

Now, I'm tired of burying my bluejacket, old salt, sea dog, shipmate, petty officer and swabbie days. My shame has faded and has now been replaced with thankfulness that I served. It was a job and did not define who I was. I never stopped being who I am or standing for what I believe in. As my mother put it, the Navy just helped sharpen who I already was. I went through the government meat grinder and my creativity and personality were not stamped out. If that's not the ultimate test of a true deviant, I don't know what is. So there it is my friends, I was a squid.


Man, that doesn't even look like me. What a dork. Seems like a million lifetimes ago.

ENT PRICELESS

Breakfast and Lunch = $16
Gas = $25
Toll Roads = $16
Day off work without pay ≈ $100

Driving three hours from Wichita to Kansas City so the ENT specialist doctor could look up your nose and say, "Yep, you're fine. I don't have any advice for you!" = Priceless



p.s. I realized while writing this that my little stylish Apple keyboard doesn't have an approximately equal to symbol, otherwise known as the wavy equal sign. I had to Google what hidden keys to hit. Option + x... how lame.

CHE

Recently, I was questioned about and essentially chastised for my idolization of Ernesto Guevara, better known as "Che". I figured in response, I should give a little explanation of why I look fondly upon this hero to some and villain to others. I've read his book and done a lot of research on him over the years, but this isn't an in-depth exposé, just a quick justification.

To start from the beginning, I first took interest in Che because he was used as an icon by one of my all time favorite bands, Rage Against The Machine. They vocalize the disdain for corporate America, racial injustices and the governmental strangulation of the people. Hence, if they found him inspiring then I figured he might just be worth looking into. Upon researching deeper into Guevara, I found that he stood for more leftist views by means of revolution. This instantly aligned him with my own philosophical anarchist and egalitarian theologies. He stood against his governments regime and helped topple it. He was, namely in his youth, an idealist who wanted to liberate the poor and he desired equality for all his people. Who doesn't want unity, balance and a fair government that judges for moral reasons rather than material?

Unfortunately, he was far from a saint. He used brutality, force and murder to achieve his goals later in his career. When it comes to militant revolution and guerrilla warfare, there really is no other way to succeed. He destroyed a standing way of order in Cuba to usher in a whole new set of economic woes. But really, the majority of the leaders around the world have done the same thing.

Essentially he was the essence of duality. I think that also lends to his appeal, as we all struggle constantly with good, evil, right, wrong and to fight back or turn the other cheek. No one is perfect, so picking a leader that is without fault is impossible. I chose Che as an role model because he embodies the spirit of the struggle for freedom and essence of revolution. I like best how Frantz Fanon described him; "The world symbol of the possibilities of one man."

ROT: FOAMING HAND SOAP

This is the second Random Object Thursday in a row that I have forgotten to post on it's proper day! Man, I am slacking. I have been bad... spanking anyone? *ahem* Anyways...

I shot this in my bathroom at work with my crappy cell phone camera so please excuse it's poopiness, no pun intended. I decided to feature this because it randomly has a short story behind it. When I first started at the job I have now I was using this after I would wash my hands with another soap. I wasn't paying attention and I thought it was foaming hand sanitizer that you rub in like the alcohol based versions. I thought I was being extra sanitary but I was just coating my hands with soap. What's worse is I did it for like three or four weeks before I actually noticed.

Label reading fail.

FUCK AUTHORITY

Want to know my over all political stand point?