BOWS MAKE ME BARF

As I was shadowing Nicky while she shoe shopped this past weekend, I kept making guttural noises at all the crappy shoes that we found. That's when it hit me, I don't like bows. It's like designers don't know what to do and just slap a goofy bow on there when out of ideas. Now I'm not talking about your standard bow knot as in shoe laces. More often than not, these crap wads of material are only found on female goods. I'll cover as many as I can but I apologize ladies if I'm crapping all over your horribly accented wardrobe.

• Shoes: Nothing screams female dork like a bow on your shoes.
• Bow Tie: This has got to be one of the worst male outfit accessories ever. Be it worn by a male stripper, clown or a waiter, you look like a douche. Yes, even in a tux... unless your 007... which you are not. So along with tossing the tie at your next formal event, stop spouting lines in your horrible British accent and acting like your finger is a gun.
  
• Nightie/Stockings: Libido killers. Looks cheesy and it won't help you reclaim your virginal innocence so let your man gnaw them off you.
• Wedding/Formal/Casual Dress: Of all the impressions you want to leave with people, bow bimbo is not one I would recommend.
• Lapel Pins: Pick a symbol, design or slogan and make a real statement.
• Present/Gift: Really, it's just a waste of material. I just want what's inside damn it so stop adding to the ever growing consumer waste issue.
• Hat: This is only acceptable if you're sporting a classic themed outfit where you're dressed as a flapper or something.
  
• Hair of a Little Girl: This is the only one that is borderline. But remember, sticking one in the hair of your bratty daughter doesn't help her not suck.
• Hair of a Teen: You are probably last picked for prom. Take that dumb thing off your head and you might not have to date droolers.
• Hair of a Woman: You look the most ridiculous of all. Let go of your wasted youth and make better fashion choices.

To each their own and all but if you ask me, rip those things off and burn them. I'd rather see stapes in your shirt than a freaking bow.

ROT: TOFURKY FEAST

It's Thanksgiving and in honor of "turkey" day I figured I would show you what I eat for my feast. Tofurky bee-yotch! I love this stuff. This little box not only comes with my turkey substitute but mushroom gravy, jerky sticks (for the wishbone), and a brownie. Mmmmm.

Now the word gross might pop into your mind when thinking of tofu. Well gross comes to my mind when I envision a rotting carcass in my stove. I will admit it isn't an exact clone of a cooked dead bird. But it's delicious in it's own right. If you understand that it is its own type of meal, not a replica and just enjoy the damn thing for what it is, then you'll be fine.

Anyways, happy Thanksgiving to you and yours from me and mine!

MASKS

I have a small collection of about twenty to thirty masks. Form venetian carnival style to an assortment of gas masks and all from around the world. I haven't hung them up like I normally do, but I will. When I do, inevitably someone will ask, why masks? Let me explain.

I used to love the concept of the mask. You slip on a new visage of your choice and become someone totally different. Instantly, the rules of life change drastically. Your reservations and limitations are not the same as they used to be because you aren't you anymore. Anonymity lets us be free to act out.

At least with a physical mask on you can tell that wearer is not who they seem. The problem is we are all forced into a facade on a daily basis. Be it how we act our around our parents, play nice for the morons at work or even bite our tongues with our friends and lovers. If we were brutally honest we might be a happier people as a whole. Naturally it would sting to be told exactly what makes us suck. But then you have the choice to change for the better or tell everyone to kiss your ass because you like how you suck. That would clean up a lot of the bullshit we wade through. It gets so tiring living life to some degree as a fraud and swallowing down who you are and what you really feel.

We are pent up, this is true. But there are some people out there that can take the truth. A person that you can count on to not judge you and always accept who you are? A great friend, close relative or a significant other. Someone you are able to open up to and pour out the good and the bad and know that there is a kiss, hug or high five waiting at the end, no matter what. If you do have someone that fits the bill, go hug them immediately and tell them why they rock. If you have someone close but you still feel like you have to hide behind a mask now and again, try taking take it off. You might need to warn them first but just give it a shot. We all need someone true in our lives and we should all start being a little more honest, as scary as that is. Eventually, you will thank me for it.

TOOL

The past few weeks have been very trying for me and like an old beloved friend, Tool has been there to comfort, guide, inspire and identify with me. This was not the first time they have filled me with fervor and it will definitely not be the last. They have been a solid force in my life for well over a decade. I think they just keep getting better and better with each CD too. I hate to use the word epic since it's so overdone these days, but it's one of the first words that comes to mind. Even though they only have four albums out, each have influenced me in more ways than I can relay in words or even fathom. I still get a vast range of emotions that swell up every time I crank one of their tunes. As hard as it is to choose just one, my favorite song would most likely be Eulogy but closely seconded by Sober.

This metal/progressive hard rock band takes you on a mind altering journey from the tear jerking melodic to gut shredding raw riff power. Each band member brings stellar musical prowess to the table with each and every track. Damn near all their songs are laced with precision, complexity and richly textured performances. In my eyes, they are pretty much the modern version of Pink Floyd. That's not a comparison I would lightly hand out either seeing as Floyd is in my top five bands of all time. Not just my personal favorite but I even think Maynard James Keenan is one the greatest vocalists ever ranking with the likes of Freddie Mercury, Robert Plant, David Bowie and Ronnie James Dio.

Deep and cynical lyrics, musical complexity and audio genius is not the end of what Tool offers. Their art and videos are always mind blowing and know no bounds. Dark, thought provoking and unforgettable, their videos are forever etched into my brain. Some might call them creepy, disturbing or just too weird but they are in a league of their own.

In the end, Tool is not just rock music, it's an experience. So I think it's needless to say I fucking love these guys. Now enjoy some official videos!

Sober


Stinkfist


Aenima


Schism


Parabola


Vicarious

ROT: HAND GRENADE

I picked this sucker up for 5 bones at a crappy gun show in downtown Norfolk, Virginia. It's been near my computer ever since. Why would I have a cored out hand grenade in my study?

• Weapons and military stuff are neat
  
• It's heavy and blunt making it a decent head splitting projectile in a pinch
• Good prop for costumes, shoots or sexcapades
  
• Nice to hide things in
  
• Kids love it!

The question is, why don't you have one?

DRESS CODE OF LIFE

As a part time video game nerd, I've noticed that most people dress their characters pretty outlandish and definitely quite different from how they dress their real persona. So why is that? We think that crazy hair and silly clothes are amazing when we fight aliens or battle the undead in our fantasies, games and movies. Then why in real life do we have to be so drab?

I came to realize this when I was building my character for Rock Band. Mohawk, check. Beard, check. Combat boots, ripped jeans, guerrilla style shirt, mirror shades... checks all around. That's when it hit me, I am pretty much exactly what I want to look like. Yes, that sounds really arrogant but it's pretty true. I'm not saying I'm attractive by any means, just that I dress how I damn well please. And I always have since I was a kid pretty much. From my MC Hammer baggies phase to the yellow John Lennon glasses I rocked to all the crazy hair colors I tried out. Go ahead, laugh all you want. At least I had the balls to do it!

Almost everyone else I know though makes themselves look nuts when not in the constraints of "normal" life. Kind of goes back to the whole matrix concept. Everyone in the matrix looked sleek, futuristic and oozed cool, while plugged in. They looked like ass in real life only because they were hiding from the machines. Thus they couldn't enjoy the consumers life like we do. So what's the hold up!? I just know there are tons of people out there that feel hindered on how they look.

What's there to be afraid of? Will your friends laugh at you? Will your family disown you? Will your significant other leave you? Those are all distinct possibilities indeed. But if they do they are just pent up fools that are afraid of change. They are probably jealous anyways. Hell, they might even start changing themselves once they see how free you are.

So I say strap on those spiked shoulder pads, paint those nails neon green, squirt into that form fitting vinyl, slip into your knee highs and neckerchief and of course sculpt that hair to the heavens. Be who you want and the rest be damned.

ROT: DINOSAUR BY ALEX

This is a very special Random Object Thursday this week. It falls on a great day for the most beautiful girl on earth. This beautiful blue eyed little lady is my daughter Alexandria and it's her 7th birthday! In honor of my baby and her special day, I chose a random drawing from her collection. This is one she specifically drew so that I could hang it at work for everyone to admire. I brought it home for a day so I could shoot it on my fridge. But at work, all that pass by and notice get a boastful fathers story. Let me give you the short and skinny version.

We were both drawing one day and I asked if she could make me something special for me to display at my job. She was so excited by the fact that I could show her stuff off to others that she almost couldn't sit still. She really wanted it to be awesome so picking a concept was a little tough. I mean this was her first gallery hanging! We went back and forth thinking of ideas that she could draw since she was mentally drawing a blank. I spouted off tons of random ideas as I usually do and she settled on one, a dinosaur. Makes a fathers heart want to explode. The rain and blood running from it's face was a nice personalized touch indeed. There is definitely some of her pops in there!

KANSAS KITE KILLERS

I've been asked quite a lot lately if I have been working on any new art or have any projects brewing. As always, I do have plenty of ideas and blueprints for new pieces but they are currently all on hold. Let me explain a bit about why I've been on an art freeze without it sounding too much like bitching.

I got back to the land of Oz this March. That's over eight months of trying to adjust to Kansas again. But there has been a shadow just behind me, shrouding every step I take. Since I've returned though it's been one insane disaster after another. Multiple major car issues, legal crap, personal drama and a severe lack of monetary resources have been tugging on my creative kite string something serious. All these issues have restricted my ability to make new friends, contacts and search for good locations. Essentially, it bogs me down and when I do have free time I just want to relax and let me mind take a breather. All I've really done is spill my brains, guts and heart on this blog which has been quite therapeutic indeed.

But don't lose wear that long face yet. I refuse to let anyone or any issue yank my kite down permanently. It will never stop soaring and will only reach new heights. Hopefully 2011 will bring a brighter horizon to fly into. So keep you eyes peeled and check this blog often!

With that, much love to all my friends and all my friends to be.

TRON + DAFT PUNK = NERD OVERLOAD

I try not to get my hopes up for movies anymore because most don't meet my expectations. Instead, I check out the trailer, go watch it if it seems not obviously like a bowl of dung, just have fun and try not pick it apart too terribly. I hate to say it though but I'm giddy as a school boy over Tron: Legacy. I already blogged about the movie but this time I want to drool about the soundtrack.

As I said in my previous Tron post, Daft Punk will be doing the soundtrack. I dig Daft Punk so after that blog I did some searching to find a bootleg copy of what's to come in the movie. What I found was pretty dope. So since I'm wrapped in "bad mother fucker" skin but filled with nerdy goo, I'm going to buy the soundtrack. I'm not just going to buy the standard edition though, I'm getting the advanced copy. They have a deluxe preorder version that comes with the CD, downloadable tracks and an exclusive 27" x 39" Daft Punk film poster. Check it out!



The white parts even glow in the freaking dark! The geek child in me is screaming like a thirteen year old girl at a boy band concert. It's obviously cool seeing as I made so many excited little kid references in this post. Tee hee!

THE SILVER CRAYON

I was asked recently one of the most basic of questions. A questions that's figured out as early as we start becoming aware of our world and comprehending details. A question that every child has an immediate response to. What is your favorite color. Believe it or not, that question actually brings up one of my earliest bitter memories.

I was in kindergarten and we had to fill out little "about me" charts. One of which being the aforementioned question. So I gleefully scrawled my answers and impatiently awaited my turn to stand up and give my report. Working going down my list I finished with the color response.

"… and my favorite cartoon character is Batman. Um... and my favorite food is pizza and my favorite color is silver."

That's when the teacher spoke up in a booming voice.

"Oh no Chris, silver isn't a color. That's wrong and you can't pick that."

How could I be so wrong and why did I have to find out now in front of my peers? Could it all be a farce? I'm standing there in disbelief in front of my fellow classmates and panic mode sets in. Each of those little bastards like a ravenous jackal. Waiting for any weakness to exploit on the playground or in the halls. Giggling, squirming, tearing you apart with their eyes.

"Um… red I guess?" I squeaked timidly.

Red, my second favorite color. The same color that the chump next to me picked who later accused me of being a copy cat. But deep down in my little deviant heart, I knew better. I had a silver crayon at home! I learned that day that authority typed figures can and often are wrong. Thus, the seed of contempt for the powers that be was planted.

ROT: THE CHRONIC

First of all, let's get the fact that I still have a tape playing radio in my crap ass Blazer out of the way. Let me also acknowledge that I am very well aware that tape sucks. It can get warped, snagged, unspooled, melted, worn thin or of course eaten by a famished cassette deck. But I think the nostalgia of when tapes were the bomb is what keeps me holding on. That and the fact that my rolling money pit has a radio that doesn't pick up stations and only plays these archaic audio recordings. Now that we got that out of the way, on with today's Random Object Thursday!

I found this bad boy buried in milk crate in the back of a thrift store a couple weeks ago. As I was digging through the pile of discarded and forgotten compact cassettes, I honestly thought to myself "How awesome would it be to find some old school rap." Low and behold I noticed the unforgettable mean mug of Dr. Dre peeking out from behind some boring Christmas tunes. Excitedly I yanked that sucker out and there in my dirty little hands was The Chronic in all it's glory! Best part of it was the thrift store was only asking thirty eight freaking cents. Score!

SLEEPLESS CABLE

The movie is Poltergeist. The day has been conquered by night and the family has fallen asleep with the TV on. The channel it displays airs it's goodnight video with the American flag and national anthem. That's when the dead whisper to the little blond girl for the first time.

Stop and think about what just happened, the cable station turned off. That's something the new generations won't ever see because stations don't go offline anymore. Our need to satisfy our cable fix twenty four hours a day has made that a thing of the past. Now we can get mesmerized and lulled into a mindless consumerist trance anytime we want. Hooray!

Just thought I would bring that up. Ah, the good old days.



Man, I love that movie.