DESIGN II FINAL PROJECT

The final project in my Design class is a self portrait that can be done completely in Photoshop and/or Illustrator just so long as it fits a well know art movement.

*muahahahaha*

Teacher, I accept your challenge.
Fellow classmates... IT'S ON.

I think I'm going to go with Art Nouveau. I've always adored Alphonse Mucha so be prepared for a new illustration that pays homage to the image below. Naturally, it will be much darker, manlier and loaded with my odd yet tasty flavor.

BEER SAVINGS

Lately I have been working on finding easy ways to cut Nicky and I's frivolous and unnecessary expenditures from our budget. I started buying food that we regularly use in bulk like dry beans and rice. We dropped excesses fees from our cell phone plans. We nit picked our insurance. But I felt like I personally could do more. I decided that to throw in my own bit of instant savings I would hack at my drinking budget.

Now to be clear, I will never ever give up drinking. If prohibition were to come back in full force, I would be fighting for the side of the bootleggers without a second thought. So instead of suffering by cutting back on my consumption level of sweet devils water, I found a compromise. I decided to not buy the pricier brews that I love so much like Shiner or Sam Adams. Instead, I'll just buy good ole' Pabpt's Blue Ribbon. Now before you start making the bitter beer face, let me explain why. It's American and not part of the big three money hungry beer conglomerates. Plus, I think it's slightly tastier than Bud, Coors and Miller anyways. It's also cheaper than those other turds anyways. On average, PBR costs roughly seventy cents per can as opposed to Sam Adams sitting at around a dollar thirty three per bottle. I can get twice as much beer for the same price?!

Take that recession.

I also told Nicky that when I feel like getting retarded drunk, I'll just go back to drink forty ounces of malt liquor. They're definitely not the greatest alcoholic beverages but when a nickel is not worth what it used to be, ghetto rules take over. As an added perk, it makes me feel kind of gangsta. Dat shitz iz mad cheap yo!

BABY FOOD

As I'm cooking, pureeing and freezing my son's food, it shocks me how bold the colors are. Not a single additive has been slipped into my boys num-nums, just wholesome fresh veggies. It's so much cheaper than buying it already made off a shelf. Plus, do you really know what's in there? I mean just look at how vibrant his peas and sweet potatoes are!

It sure makes me loath processed food that much more.

OLD MAN

This if for all those hard working fathers out there.
Past, present and future... much love.

KILLER COOCH

I feel like being a little crass, so here goes nothing. I saw on MSN today that smelly things for a vagina are bad. I quote:

"Like douches, scented tampons, sprays, and pads can do more harm than good, potentially leading to infection and vaginal irritation."

My suggestion? Wash your cooch. I gotta wash my mushroom and potatoes, so it's only fair.

Now back to your regularly scheduled well mannered artist.

CAROUSEL

Sitting solo on the side of the rink, I observe the chaos. Droves of little kids gleefully squeeling with wheels strapped to they rubbery legs. They try so deperately not to lose their balance and topple to their rumps. With every fall I choke back a giggle. The parents converse about trivil topics and crack fake smiles to one another. Decked in their dated and hideous garb, they mindlessly nod their heads to the pop garbage blarring overhead. I'd play video games but all that is working is skeeball and hoops.

Normally I would be internally screaming in this little pocket of hell, but today is different. I gleefully sip my slurpee with a mountainous grin. Why? Because my daughter is having a blast with her friends at a birthday party. That massive smile of hers makes all the rest fade into the background. Plus, Alex and I wailed at skeeball.

YOU FORGOT YOUR CAMERA AGAIN?!

It's pretty normal for someone to ask if brought my camera at every event that I ever go to. More often than not, I do honestly forget about it. But occasionally I leave it at home on purpose. When someone gives me shit for not having it, I usually just joke around and say "I must be the worst photographer ever!" On the inside though, I'm smirking.

Why?

It's true that my life revolves around art. Photography is indeed my biggest passion but it's also my job. Let's say you're a chef and you slave over a hot stove all day. Wouldn't it get old to be expected to fixed gourmet meals for every event you ever went to? I image even Emeril enjoys getting cooked for when he's not on the clock.

It's nice to just enjoy events like everyone else and not be expected to run around with a lens strapped to your face.

99 PROBLEMS

So it's twangy rock and the chorus was straight up stolen from Jay-Z but I'm diggin' it.



Now for the dope Jay-Z version!

CREEPY GRINS

My 3D Design class resides on the opposite end of the campus from my History of Western Music class. On the long walk there and back, I noticed quite a few different people smiling. Normally this isn't concerning, but something was off. They were sporting big teethy grins for no apparent reason. They weren't talking to anyone, they were all just walking alone. Let me be crystal clear as these weren't just little pleasant lip curls. These were massive cheek stretching grins that would make the Joker cringe.

As I studied these oddities from behind my mirrored shades, I noticed that their smiles were perpetual. When I would spot a grinner, I watched their mannerisms and facial gestures for as long as possible but the expression never changed. There were no indicators that something was causing these smiles either. There were no comedians swilling off jokes on the campus loud speakers. There wasn't a headset in their ear to receive witty banter from. They weren't looking at their phone and reading Chuck Norris jokes. The smile was just there, stamped on like a clown cattle brand.

I'm all for spreading love and I'm obviously an advocate for life, liberty and that whole pursuit of happiness bit. But what the hell is so amusing? Are they high on life? Did they snort some of the new and improved Joker brand products? Could they be infiltrator robots stuck on chipper? How do they keep their teeth from drying out? Maybe that's the issue. Their teeth have dried out which caused their lips to stick in that eternal stalker smirk.

What ever it was that made these freaks contort their face like that, it creeped me out.

MOVIE REVIEW: HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN

Short (Semi Spoiler Free) Verdict
A vagrant with a heart of gold befriends a down-and-out hooker in a town ripe with corruption. Sounds like a semi-family friendly movie doesn't it? Well hide the kids and lock away the squeamish. This flick is filled with perversion, filth and gallons of gore. If you like chaos and low budget grind house flicks, this film is for you.
Movie Stars: ★★★★☆


Full Review (SPOILER ALERT)
It's no secret that I love random as I say it all the damn time. So when a film pays homage to that ideal, I have to give it bonus points. This movie does random plenty of justice and serves it up on a slice of bloody toast. Dirty dialog, vicious kill scenes, the occasional nudity and all strung together with a lose yet entertaining plot. It's like that skanky booty call that you can't help but enjoy yet you're too embarrassed to tell anyone about. But I say crack a 40 and dive right in you sick freaky degenerate!

Rutger Hauer was the perfect choice for the hobo on a quest for justice. He's got piercing eyes, a slightly raspy voice and his naturally gritty persona make him seem like life has ridden him harder than most as is. He's still bad ass yet his age is definitely catching up to him. I think it really adds to the character! His acting was pretty decent, for this film anyways. But the acting was never intended to be stellar in this movie. It's supposed to feel cheap and campy. Hell, the movie is in Technicolor so what do you expect? Don't knock it though, I personally think that made it even better.

The bad guys were all pretty cool, the gore was hilariously off the charts and the ending was rad. I must say that I walked away from this with a gigantic smile on my twisted little face. Fair waring though, if you see this make sure that you are prepared for a movie so terrible that it's awesome. If you dig crappy horror/action flicks, this one is in line with the best of them.

Poster Examination
I really can't say too much about this poster. It goes perfectly with the feel of the movie and portrays just enough samples of chaos to peak your curiosity. The fact that they made it look like a turdy old deteriorated 70's handbill is quite fitting.
Poster Stars: ★★★★★


Trailer Analysis
Rutger Hauer's "hobo like me" monologue was perfect for the trailer. The biggest issue that I have with this trailer is the length and that it shows a tad too much. I'd start by replacing all the stuff between his speech and the title shot with him on the rocks. I'd pick the top 5 to 10 shotgun blast scenes, cut them nice and short and splice them together for a quick 5-10 second carnage montage. Slide that bad boy in there and this baby would be golden!
Trailer Stars: ★★★★☆


On a side note, if you dug this movie go try to find Street Trash. Hobo definitely has parallels and pays solid tribute to the preceding Street Trash's offensive and cheap reputation. It's also one of my favorite crappy movies.