MOVIE REVIEW: RUBBER

Short (Semi Spoiler Free) Verdict
A tire that can blow things up with psychokinesis. See where this is heading? Random. That is the point of this movie all the way through. If you enjoy insanity and odd hijinks, this is your flick.
Movie Stars: ★★★★★


Full Review (SPOILER ALERT)
I take such delight in random because order and the traditional is boring. The director starts by setting the mood of random by explaining that every movie has an element of it. The little speech really got me excited to see what oddities were in store. The plot winds back and forth between you watching the film and then you watching spectators watching the film. It's hard to explain but it's quite entertaining. Most of the "audience" either loses interest or gets killed fairly quickly, poking fun at the fickle nature of the regular movie goer. I love that because every time I go to the theater I am always surrounded by morons. Hell, every where I go I'm surrounded by morons… anyways. It doesn't stop there. This movie takes little clever stabs at bad directors, horror movies, actors and the police, just to name a few. Rubber ingeniously spits in the face of Hollywood at every turn all while watching the shenanigans of a naughty super powered tire.

This movie is freaking awesome. I was super entertained from beginning to end. It's well shot with great lighting, angles and scenery. It's so well done yet it retains that indie film feel. The quirky acting fits perfectly with the erratic experience that the whole story is trying to convey. The soundtrack was perfect as well seeing as it was done by Gaspard Auge of Justice and Mr. Oizo. What a combo! I haven't seen a movie this enthralling and giggle inducing in quite some time. Explosions, chaos, nudity, gore... all sewn together with random. I can die happy now.

Poster Examination
The first is the more themed like your typical horror movie poster. Crisp, clean, muted colors, a little over Photoshopped, but it works. It's a freaking tire, which is way better to look at then let's say… Nicholas Cages ugly mug? The second is pretty much an ode to Boris Vallejo and the font reminds me of the Ninja Turtles. This one is also a win. The third and best of the three, is simple and classic. From a design aspect it's perfectly balanced and the use of color is phenomenal. I love it when posters are kept simple. You don't need everything to be all sparkly and full of over Photoshopped actors. High fives all around Rubber graphics team!
Poster Stars: ★★★★★


Trailer Analysis
The trailer is amazing. It shows focuses you on the oddness of a movie revolving around a killer tire and all the insanity that it must portray. This was more than enough to lure me in. It doesn't give away any of the more intellectual aspects as it pertains to the randomness and subtle humor. Even though you see a lot of the action in the trailer, it doesn't spoil the fun of the movie.
Trailer Stars: ★★★★★


This flick and everything related to it gets buckets of thumbs way up, which is no small feat. I had to cut off a few more from the people under my stairs. I should just stop watching movies now and end on a good note.

BLACK FRIDAY

Black Friday is a day of disgusting consumerism and the glorification of greed. The little guy wastes all of his hard earned money on crap he doesn't need. All that dough just goes right back into fat cat pockets. We are just paying back our bosses all their money. Think about it. If I go buy something I am giving money to the owner of that companies. It might not be my boss specifically but it's someones. At the same time there is someone out there paying my boss otherwise I wouldn't have my current day job. So we are all giving back our money en masse to make sure management stays richer than us. See the cycle? We are losing my friends.

It is just sickening. What is worse is that I, for the first time in my life, partook in Black Friday. I tried to go two hours before midnight on Thanksgiving but the lines were blacks long. I then heard that some people had been camping out for days. Are you serious?! Just to save a few bucks? People are just dying to waste their paychecks and feed the greed machine.

I went back Friday morning to finish up my shopping and still got decent savings. Now I might have gotten lower prices, but at what cost? I helped Best Buy's bank account grow. I bought a TV and a monitor which were both foreign made. So I just robbed America and I blew a portion of my saved greenbacks. I'm not wealthy so I have to take the good deals when I can but I still hate it. I have boycotted Wal-Mart for more than 10 years now but is Best Buy so different? After all, it's still just a greedy corporation.

I guess it's part of being born into capitalism and I should try to accept it. Every time I turn on my big shiny new flat screen I do smile because it's freaking awesome to watch movies and play games in what is almost my own personal theater. Just know that behind that glee is the stinging sensation of guilt and disgust. I realize that I am a whore and I hate it.

ROGER WATERS: THE WALL LIVE

My love for Pink Floyd is no secret and The Wall is their crowning achievement. The movie, the album… epic is just not a grand enough word. I damn near know every lyric and scene by heart.

Last year Roger Waters came through the area with his The Wall Live tour and I missed it. Well he added a few more dates to the list and he's coming through Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Holy monkey poop on a brick, I'm so there.
The only question is, how much do I want to spend on tickets because they are far from cheap.

PORTISHEAD: MACHINE GUN

Bored? Here's what I'm listening to right now. I adore Portishead.

As an added bonus, this is a fan video for Tetsuo: The Iron Man, which I also love. Disturbingly awesome Japanese cyber punk imagery set to industrial style downtempo... hooray!

WANTED: CARS FOR SHOOTS

Attention Wichita peeps!
I'm looking for two cars from the early 70's or earlier. I need two different vehicles for two different shoots. Preferably one being muscle car style or cherry and the other being a family car. The family one doesn't have to be nice and can even be a station wagon like from National Lampoon! I'm pretty open to any car as long as it's before the 80's.
Here are some quick examples:

RIGHTFUL LIBERTY

For my English class on Monday, we were to read three articles, one of which was on racial profiling after 9/11. As you can guess, it was mainly geared towards Arabs and centered around airport security dealings. We, as a class, openly discussed it. Everyone agreed that racial profiling is wrong. No surprise there. The other general consensus was that it's good to have stricter security measures to ensure safety. Everyone seemed to be cool with some people losing civil liberties for the greater good of the many. That's when I started to frown.

The discussion then evolved into security as a nation. Is it OK for the government to tap our phones, scan our emails and have video surveillance watching us at all times? I thought for sure there would be an uproar… but there wasn't. I was the only person, out of sixteen people, who didn't agree with Uncle Sam encroaching on our liberties. The overall mantra for the class was, "If the government wants to watch and listen to me, let 'em. I have nothing to hide." I utterly was shocked and appalled.

Even if you are within legal limits, we can't let our freedoms be stripped from us, no matter how minute, subtle, or under what pretenses. Let's say that laws are changed and something integral to your life that was previously legal becomes a punishable offense. If they already have tabs on you then there will be no escape. If it's a law that you don't approve of and you try to challenge it, they can quell your uprising that much easier.

I'm not some conspiracy theory nut that thinks the machine is after me at all times. But living under marshal law is a scary thought. Yes, that's an exaggeration. The question is, if they keep eroding our rights, where does it stop? Where is the cut off? What right is juicy enough to fight for?

"Rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add 'within the limits of the law', because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual."
-Thomas Jefferson

THE BOOGIE MAN

Late one evening when I was eight years old, I had a life changing experience. This is not something I talk about and once you hear the story you will understand why. It sounds completely crazy. Regardless, it still haunts me to this day and I will never forget it.

I had been in bed for a while but I just could not sleep. Detailed and disturbing nightmares were not uncommon, so fighting sleep was routine. To pass the time, I figured that I would get a couple of my toys to play with under the covers. The street lamp not far from my window faintly spilled its light throughout my room and a little past the threshold of my open closet. It was there that I spotted the toys that I wanted to snag, my He-man and Skeletor.

I slipped out of my cozy bed and tiptoed barefoot to my closet. As I was reaching down to pick up my toys, I felt something was wrong. A dread like I had never felt before oozed over my little body. My eyes suspiciously scanned to see what it was. Unfortunately, they found something in the corner of my closet, an unknown dark figure. It was blacker than any other shadow, like a black hole sucking the shreds of light in from the world around it. It was small with shoulders wider than its waist. The thing was humanoid in shape with a round head. From that head peered two faintly glowing red eyes and they were looking right at me.

I stood hunched over, frozen in fear for what seemed like an eternity. I eventually broke myself from my position and cautiously backed away. As I did, those eyes followed me. Then the seriousness of the situation hit me and I really started to shake. After a few steps, I made a mad dash to my bed and hurdled over the foot board. I pulled the blankets over my head and trembled until I passed out. From then on, and even to this very day, my closet remains shut at night and I sleep with a blunt object within arms reach.

I have tried to rationalize it a billion times. Was it an animal? I did have a cat named Conan as a kid but he is not to blame. When I jumped over the end of my bed that night, I woke him up. There is nothing else it could have been. Whatever it was, it was definitely alive. Darkness so incredibly deep that exuded pure fear? I believe what I saw that night was the boogie man.

I am quite aware of how ridiculous this all sounds. But I know what I saw and I can still feel that fear like it happened just yesterday. I am just over thirty years old and I still believe in him. What is worse, my daughter came to me this weekend with that same look in her eyes. She asked if I would come close her closet door because she was afraid of what was inside.

She just turned eight years old. I know it was him.

MY DAUGHTER ALEX IS EIGHT

Today is my daughters eighth birthday! She's damn near a woman. Soon it will be all about boys, trendy clothes and tampons. Oh lawd. I just want to color with my little girl forever. :(

Anyways, I got her a bike, some books and a ton of Legos!

ART CREDITS TRANSFER

I just got the word from the WSU Transfer Committee chairman Robert Bubp, that the art credits I earned in Virginia were accepted by WSU. That is such a relief. I really did not want to sit through Art History again or go through Drawing 101 all over. I'm done sketching fruit, thanks. So I should be able to take the fun classes next semester!

*whew*

Now if I can only get them to accept my general education classes. I had to take English 102 this semester, which I'm fine with… I guess. I have a good teacher and it's nice to get a refresher in structured writing. But it would be asinine if I am required to retake English 101 if I pass 102 in better than good standings.

FISTICUFFS FRIDAY: GHOULIES VS JERSEY SHORE

Here's the way I see it. If my ex thinks it's fine to let our impressionable seven year old daughter watch the soulless, mind numbing and morally devoid television show, Jersey Shore, then I can let her watch a horror movie. Now of course I wouldn't let her watch anything gory or super scary for her first horror flick. Something more like a parody on death and all things macabre would be more appropriate. I think that's much more enriching then watching cretins get tanner, babble nonsense and sleep with everything that has a pulse.

So we (my daughter Alex and I) chose a movie that was less spine tingling and more goofy... Ghoulies. Yes, I know it's a terrible movie, but it has these little "demons" that run around in it and I figured she would love them. Well I was right, she totally thought they were cute. The only part that made her eyes bulge a bit was when the bad guys tongue stretched out of his mouth and strangled someone. But I explained that it was all fake and she was just fine.

This random correlation eventually lead me to wonder who would win in a fight between a Ghoulie and a Jersey Shore jack ass. I randomly picked one of the guys to give the Jersey side a sporting chance. I chose the ass hat with the ass hair because he looks like the biggest turd in the bowl.

Let's get to the side by side comparison! Oh and remember, ties earn zero points.

Specs:	Ghoulie	Jersey Shore	Winner
Appearance:	Shiny green	Shiny bronze	Tie
Hair:	Bald	Over styled douche poof	Ghoulie
Body Type:	1/8th human, goblin-esque	Puffy pseudo-buff	Jersey
Fashion:	Naked! (even though on the poster and box it's wearing suspenders)	Dildo wear	Ghoulie
Weapons:	Sharp claws and teeth, demonic powers	Hair spray and tanning oil	Ghoulie
Intelligence:	Subhuman	Subhuman	Tie
Personality:	Mischievous	Guido (which pretty much means none)	Ghoulie
Society:	Demons, dwarves, wizards and the undead	Overly self centered cretin clones	Ghoulie
Leader:	Usually a black magic wielding sorcerer	MTV	Ghoulie
Tally:	6	1	Ghoulie!

This wasn't even a close match. But then again, did you have any doubts? Unholy midget monsters are simply smarter and far more appealing than any MTV endorsed tard could ever be. What they lack in size, the ghoulies make up for in non-douchery. So the moral of the story is, don't be a douche bag or demonic creatures might maul your face.

STICKER: NO REST FOR THE WICKED

Seven in the morning and darkness still engulfs the city.
A heavy wind with steely, thirty five degree fingers eviscerates the inhabitants.
As I tuck my head in and scurry to the truck, I have a gut feeling.
Check the mail.
To the end of the driveway I race.
Peeling the creaky mailbox door open reveals a fat package.
My face cracks wide with a devious smile letting the cold wind chill my teeth.
I know exactly what the parcel contains...
My new stickers!


I finally stepped up my game and got some custom stickers made with my artwork, not just text.
Want some? They're free!
Just send me your address.
Be sure to take a quick pic of where you stick 'em and I'll post it!

WASHING MACHINE

It's 3:30am when a faint sound creeps into my ears. Being the protector that I am, I listen, trying to decipher where it's coming from and what it might be. The problem is, I'm almost delirious from being so tired and my thoughts are all jumbled. But if I have to know if it's going to be trouble so I focus.

It's repetitive.
It sounds almost mechanical.
There's a bit of a flow to it.
It's coming from the basement.

I finally write it off as the wash cycle of the washing machine. So my head hits the pillow again.


(An undetermined amount of time passes.)


My eyes blast open. "Why in the hell would the washing machine be going at this time of night?!" I say to myself.

So I really start concentrating on the noise. I have to listen first. If it's a dangerous, I want to try and take in as much detail and information as I can before I go leaping into the fray wearing only undies. As I'm intently listening I realize that it's not coming through the floor. It's coming from right next to me! I lower my head in the general direction from which it was coming. That's when I find the source, my infant son Paladin, the little snore demon. He was sleeping on Nicky who was right next to me as usual.

I smile, kiss his soft little forehead and go back to sleep.