WARRIOR DASH

My brother shoots me a text a few weeks ago demanding that I go check out the Warrior Dash website. I give it a read and I find out that it's for this extreme run with an obstacle course built in. They are held all over the country and one of which is being set up in Kansas City. Here are the specs:

• 3.10 miles of rugged terrain
• Wooden barricades
• Pitch black trenches
• Cargo nets and other tangled rope items
• Cliff rappelling
• Giant hay bales
• Junk yard obstacles
• A stream and a swamp we have to run through
• Leap over hot fire
• Trudge through mud and barbed wire

Now that sounds intense. I respond back that I think it looks cool. His reply is that he has already signed up for the dash in July. Oh no he didn't! If my little brother is doing something cool like this, you better believe my ass can and will too. So I pay my entry fee and sign up.

That's when the fat kid inside me started screaming. There is no way I could handle this thing without some pre-training. I haven't ran in years and I've let my work out regiment slip into the nonexistent realm. So the day after I signed up I began running. I have been running ever since and starting next week I'm going to start working in some obstacles. This dash isn't going to be easy with so little time to prepare. I have a lot of work to do to repair the damage that all those doughnuts and pints of beer did to my system.

Why am I doing this? It's good for me and I don't want to devolve into a blob in my old age. Mostly though, I like to know where I stand just in case the shit ever did hit the fan. If zombies rise up to consume our faces, I want to be able to survive and thrive. Can you think of a better reason?

RAPTURE WEEKEND

What did I do on the weekend of the would-be rapture? I enjoyed life with my family just the same as we always do.

• Cooked a Mexican feast then built a bonfire in my backyard with the two fam's (Richard, Jen, Gil, Grace, Nicky, Alex and myself).
• Thrift store hopped with Alex.
• Cheered on Richard as he ate 12 ultra spicy chicken wings in a contest.
• Proposed to Nicky with the special made mood ring I got for her.
• Played outside and then watched nature shows with Alex.
• Wrote "rapture?" on the side of Kellogg's Hillside overpass walkway with cups with Nicky and Alex.
• Helped my father move his furniture and lay carpet tack strips in basement.
• Stayed up late watching bad horror movies with Nicky and Richard followed by Richard and I playing video games into the wee hours.

How's that for a full weekend?

EXTREME ASIAN TRAVEL PLANS

Open Google Maps and click on Get Directions.

Enter China for destination "A" and Japan for destination "B".

Scroll down the list to step #27.



Now that's bad ass.

WEDDINGS

Today I'm going to do some bitching about weddings. So I'm sure there will be some angry girls sharpening their talons and a few guys pumping their fists after reading this.

For those that didn't previously know, I've already had my warm-up marriage. I was married and divorced in my early twenty's. I pretty much chalk the whole thing up to being young, dumb and not paying enough attention to the TV show Married with Children. My memories of that time period are quite faded but I definitely remember the divorce and all of the aftermath that I've dealt with since. So when it comes to getting hitched, I have a red "X" next to it in my log book of life.

I'm not against them, I just don't see what all the bother is about. I didn't get any say in the planning and I barely got to choose what kind of tux I was wearing. But then again it's not for the dude. It's really only romantic to women. I totally understand that it's their chance to be center stage and feel like a princess at least once in their life. But really, what the hell is so romantic about weddings anyways? It costs a butt load of money. You have to dress like an organ grinder and parade around in front of a billion probing eyes. It takes a decent amount of time to plan and it's typically a burden for everyone involved. If it's the event, just throw a "We will love each other forever" party at your house and be done with it.

Then there's the churchy aspect to it. I'm not religious nor do I believe in an afterlife so an ancient, pseudo-spiritual, binding ceremony doesn't really fit me. It's just an agreement to stay faithful until you die. The only real benefits are for tax and income reasons. But if one or the both of you figures out that this merger is decidedly unholy, you have a world of crap to deal with. Nothing stings the pride like a failed marital union. Not to mention you both now have to mark "divorced" on your paperwork… for life. That part I particularly have a problem with. It shouldn't matter to anyone besides you and your significant other if you have ever been wed or not. You're single again not in mourning of your failed marriage, so why be branded divorced? I always feel like a leper when I have to check that box on any paperwork.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem getting married and I will totally do it again… if it's cool. Like a super cheesy Vegas wedding or getting mated while sky diving onto Mount Everest. But to put so much stock into a quasi-holy ceremony and all the consumeristic dressings it entails is bunk and outdated. Love doesn't need a preacher, boat loads of cash or a fill-in-the-blank piece of paper to make it real. Love is all you need.

CIAO CREAMER

I decided recently that creamer, though tasty and delicious, is a luxury I can live without. Why did I give up creamer?

• Costs extra and I'm pinching' pennies
• Fattening and I gotta watch my girlish figure
• I expect it in my coffee and I don't like being dependent on anything
• Just more stuff to fill up my fridge
• It's kind of pretentious and snobbish to get upset when there isn't any left
• I look like a wiener when my girl orders hers black and I order something frilly
• I really enjoy the true flavor of coffee so why muddle that up
• Ordering your coffee "Sweet and Black" sounds cool
  

To my surprise, I really don't miss it. All natural sugar and pure Joe is all I need in my liquid speed cup from here on out. Plus, now when I do have creamer, it becomes more of a treat and exciting again. Even ice-cream would get old if eaten a few times a day on... everyday.

MOVIE REVIEW: THE SOCIAL NETWORK AND SUCKER PUNCH

Short (Semi Spoiler Free) Verdicts

The Social Network
An interesting docudrama on the roots and founders of Facebook. Well done all the way around from the acting, to the writing to the score.
Stars: ★★★★☆

Sucker Punch
Samurai, Nazis, dragons, robots, explosions... all being trounced by scantily clad chicks with swords and guns. This is a movie that girl power advocates and horny boys can high five about. Don't expect anything more than eye candy and a killer soundtrack.
Stars: ★★★☆☆

Full Reviews (SPOILER ALERT)

The Social Network
I wouldn't have given a pretentious "look at me I'm cool" movie about Facebook a chance especially with one of Hollywood's new nerd heroes at the helm. But there were just too many things forcing me to watch it. It's directed by David Fincher (Fight Club, Seven) and scored by Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails) let alone the fact that it was nominated for best picture so how could I miss it? I have to say, I'm glad I watched it. It was pretty revealing.

Mark Zuckerberg, the brain and talent behind Facebook but there were a lot of highly motivated, extremely talented and well-to-do people involved. This whole movies portrayal of him can be described with two words, brilliant and prick. Most of how Mark handled his responses to everyone's bullshit was pretty inspiring and of course well spoken. But he was definitely smug and shifty. I wonder how realistic everything was, especially when it came to him.

Sucker Punch
I read review after review on how awful this movie was. So I went to go see it at the cheap theater with exquisitely low expectations. I have to say, I walked away quite entertained. It wasn't a mind bloggler of a plot or well acted by any means. It was all about the ass kicking, special effects and bare thighs.

Most of this movie was computer generated but it was pretty well done. They over saturated everything that was real so it blended quite nicely. I liked how there wasn't any time period constraints on the outfits, weapons and settings. It was amusing seeing a girl in a pin-up style outfit shooting a modern AR-15 assult rifle at a bunch of Nazi steam-punk zombies. So since we were visiting a fantasy realm, it was acceptable to kick ass in heels that you would normally snap an ankle in. But I don't think any of the visual fun would have been nearly as good without the pulse pounding soundtrack that was so well intertwined. It was comprised of pretty well done covers including White Rabbit, Sweet Dreams and Where is my Mind.

Over all it was a little boys wet dream and totally enjoyable if you dig fantasy, comic books, anime or plain old action. Since I'm just a little boy trapped in a mans body, the critics can sniff my white ass. I totally left the theater smiling.

TALK POLITICS

Politics is one of those "taboo" topics that people try to avoid talking about casually. I have always thought that if there is something people are avoiding then it's probably a subject that seriously needs your attention. Everyone should stay well informed about what's going on with our elected officials. But I completely understand the justification for why it's avoided. It has a lot of blind faith followers that are easily upset or unable to be reasoned with. That and I've found that most people just like to complain and the government is an easy target. Hell, fuck authority is one of my top credos so I fall into that category too.

My distaste for controlling figures and power mad regimes aside, I would like to think that I'm an open minded person. If you serve up cold hard facts and show me the grounds for your stance then I will legitimately weigh it against mine. I'll make an educated choice, leaving my emotions out of the decision the best that I can. Just make sure that you aren't attacking me with your beliefs because no one likes things crammed down their throat. Unfortunately, most people that I've come across aren't open for reasoning. They attach themselves to an easy answer and fight to maintain their allegiance or safety blanket at any cost. I know so many people that pick a candidate solely on their backing party. Piss on parties. There shouldn't be sides, only what each person stands for. Then you have those people that align with a singular person and defend them fanatically. Oh my candidate was lying? It's the media's fault. Oh my bureaucratic hero keeps fumbling on important issues they swore to tend to? That doesn't matter because they follow my religious beliefs or eat the same foods that I do. Oh my government official is a moronic and crooked piece of crap? Well at least they're attractive. Wait... you have facts proving your point? Well I don't like being wrong and I'm angry, so shut up.

Don't choose a leader just because they're on a particular party or opposite of a group or person that you despise. Don't choose a politician based one thing they propose or stand for. Make sure that they are almost completely whole and would actually be good for everyone. This will take some fact checking of course. It's sad that I even have to mention it but I know people that based their decision on this, don't vote for someone because of their appearance or sex. Like for instance, hotter than the other candidates or their skin color. Pick a leader that has clear goals and if they don't follow through, then stand up and ask them why.

If you're horse didn't win then don't just whine about it and blame all the worlds ills on who did. Find a way to make difference:

• Start a focus group or movement for the next election
• Make sure your like minded peers actually vote
• Contact other elected officials with positive solutions

If those are too civil for your tastes then take more drastic measures:

• Go protest on the lawn of the White House
• Graffiti D.C. with anti-Führer messages
• Coordinate a riot
• Blow up something politically valuable
• Become the second gunman

Whatever you decide, don't just bitch endlessly. You're more than likely preaching to the choir, wasting your breath on those that don't care or butting heads with another politically immovable object. How ever you slice it, you'll just end up driving everyone away from you. So if you don't make an impression the first few times you voice your opinion then try another route besides ranting.

2011 MOVIE EXCITEMENT

We have now begun the fifth month for this year. That being said, I figured it was high time I made a list of the movies dropping in 2011 that I'm the most stoked for. This way when we talk about flicks that we are both interested in, we can hold hands and jump up and down, squealing like little girls!

Keep in mind that there are plenty of other movies out there that didn't make this list that I will eventually watch. I probably just won't remember them until they're right in front of me. But these select few below I will seek out to watch either by theater, rental or other *cough* means. I'll start with the least to most bad ass . The lukewarm section I am half expecting to suck so my hopes aren't set too high. The hot category I should enjoy thoroughly but I'm leaving wiggle room for a little let down. The boiling area should be self explanatory... I can't flippin' wait!

Lukewarm Tea

• Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
The first Robert Downey Jr. edition was quite entertaining and I love watching RDJ work his charm. He makes me blush. *tee hee*

• Thor
I adore anything super power related. That's really the only reason this has even made the list. An olden day Norse warrior with shiny gods coping with the modern world? That could easily get cheesy.
• Cowboys and Aliens
I'm a sucker for westerns with a twist. Plus, Jon Favreau did good work on the Iron Man's so I have faith he will make this fun and action packed. As far as the actors go, Daniel Craig is cool and it's nice to see Harrison Ford again.
• X-Men: First Class
I loved the X-Men comics in my youth so I have to watch all their movies, for better or for worse. But from the crappy promotional Photoshopping that I have seen so far with the posters and promo work, this could be a turd.

• Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
The trailer for this looked interesting. Guy Pierce is in my top 10 favorite male actors and this was written and produced by Guillermo del Toro who brought us awesomeness like Pan's Labyrinth. Plus it's a horror so that's enough for me anyways!

Hot Coffee

• Rise of the Planet of the Apes
I grew up on the apes saga so I am hooked already. The trailer actually looks pretty decent too. Smart apes running amok!? Now that's scary... and entertaining!
• Captain America
This could really sink or swim the same as Thor does but this has more pieces that are up my alley. Less than average Joe gets the chance to be a super soldier... rad. Nazis... rad. Possibly comedic Captain America... um, not so rad.

Boiling Lava Smoothie

• Immortals
Gods and greeks, that story never gets old. It may seem like a hybrid of 300 and Clash of the Titans but even if it is, that's enough to sell me a ticket. The main bad guy is Mickey Rourke who I dig and the director is Tarsem Singh. He brought us The Cell and The Fall which were both extremely unique and visually amazing. His vision alone will make this worth seeing. Here's the current trailer:

P.s. None of these flicks hold a candle to the amount of excitement that I have for the coming Batman movie in 2012.

EDGEFEST 2011

Christopher Garcia, Richard Garcia, Jennifer Garcia and Nicole Rocho. Four awesome people that journeyed to Texas to see a handful of bands at Edgefest. This is their mildly interesting story.

Day 1 - Friday, April 29th 2011 - The Journey

5:00pm
Nicky and Chris raced home from work to do a last minute double checking of the gear that they would be taking and burn a few more road trip CD's.

6:30pm
Richard and Jennifer arrived. Everyone crammed all the gear into Nicky's Aveo and then hit the road.

12:30am
After a few stops and wrong turns, the quartet arrived in Texas at Hidden Cove Marina and Campgrounds. They all snuck into the park and searched for a decent spot under the cover of darkness to pop up the tent. The winds were extremely high and somehow the stakes, tension lines and cover to the tent unfortunately had been forgotten. Luckily, there were cinder blocks and heavy rocks around that the group lined the inside of the tent with. This combined with the lashing of one tent pole to the side of a picnic table was more than enough to keep the tent from taking flight for the night. With clear skies and after many giggles, they all fell asleep.

Day 2 - Saturday, April 30th 2011 - Pre-Concert

9:30am
The freaky four got up and packed all their gear. It seemed that the park ranger hadn't made his rounds yet so they slipped out under the radar without paying the camping fees.

10:30am
The crew filled their bellies with doughnuts, coffee and other assorted breakfast items. Chris scammed the register jockey out of a sandwich and a coffee.

11:30am
After paying the insane amount of twenty dollars for parking, the team finally made it to the Pizza Hut Park Arena. At the gate, the signs read no food or drink. This angered the pregnant girl in the group, Nicky. She then barked at the security guard that she needed her protein rich snacks. Avoiding what would surely have been a painful death, the guard waved them all by.

THE SHOW
The following 10 bands none of the group payed much attention to ether because they thought they sucked, were too generic or the team was just plain occupied by something else more entertaining like eating, pooping or merch tents.

• North of Autumn
• Electric Touch
• Dynamite Walls
• Young the Giant
• Panic at the Disco
• New Politics
• The Airborne Toxic Event
• A Day To Remember
• Neon Trees
• Seether

Now these select bands were dope enough to draw their interest.

• AWOL Nation
Not too shabby with cool beats and hooks. Richard hacky sacked while the other three wiggled next to the stage.
• Middle Class Rut
Watched from further back but was fairly entertained.
• The Dirty Heads
The four got in nice and close to groove with these reggae rock homies.
• Flogging Molly
Nicky and Jen vacated to the safety of the stands while Richard and Chris moshed like maniacs amid the other sweaty shirtless animals. Rockin' performance with a rowdy crowd.
• Social Distortion
Watched from a distance due to the general area mosh pit being closed off by the venue. Awesome performance none the less.
• Weezer
Unfortunately had to be watched from a distance again. Weezer kicked more ass than any other band out of the entire day. They ran through the crowd and really made the fans feel loved.
• Janes Addiction
Stellar performance as was expected. There were over 30 different sets of boobies that got flashed at the band and put on the big screen. Even Perry Ferrel was amused by the sheer quantity of half naked women.

Day 2 - Saturday, April 30th 2011 - Post-Concert

12:00am
After twelve plus hours, the festival of music was over. The sun baked and sore four left the stadium in search of food. The snarfing of an assortment of greasy goodies commenced which was eventually followed by sneaking back into the campsite and re-setting up of the tent.

3:00am
Chris was awoken by lightening flashes and a bit of rain spray. He and Nicky headed out to 7/11 (the only thing open at the wee hours) to find something to cover the tent roof. They came back with two boxes of trash bags and duct tape. After Richard, Nicky and Chris haphazardly patched one of the gigantic screened sides like a hobo would, they decided it would be good enough to get them by and passed out.

Day 3 - Sunday, May 1st 2011 - The Last Leg Home

7:00am
Chris was ripped from his slumber by rain splattering on his face. He popped up to find that the typhoon like storm they were now in had ripped half the bags off the tent and rain was pouring in everywhere. He screamed "Abandon ship!" and the sleepy tetrad hurriedly stuffed everything back into the little Aveo and hit the road.

7:45
Cold and hungry, the squad pulled into Cracker Barrel to warm their digits and fill their gullets heartily.

9:00am
Back on the road.

3:00pm
They pulled back into Wichita. Richard and Jennifer headed back to pick up their dog and children while Nicky and Chris hit the hay.

Fin.