ROT: OLD BLACK CHUCKS

These Chuck Taylor's are about six years old and have walked me through countless good times and bad. Some people might look at them and use words like dirty, ripped or busted to describe them. I would use terms like venerable, comfortable and enduring. Held together by duct tape, my shoddy stitching and dirt, I think they make a punk road scholar statement. If you look closely, you can still see "fuck authority" that I wrote in sharpie on the side when I first got these back in college in Norfolk.

On that same college thought, these were actually one of the first conversation starters between Nicky and I. When I first cam strutting into class rockin' them fresh out of the box, she complimented me on them. Yup... chicks dig shoes.

Anyways, I love these shoes.

SPLASH PAGE

Just posted a new splash page for the site. Let me explain a bit about project.

The Reasoning:
I really wanted to simplify where to go for merchandise, attire and prints while separating my artistic front. Fuse and showcase illustration and photography yet keep the page simple and bold.

The Image:
This took me a while to decide upon what would work. I knew I wanted to show something that represented the duality that resides in my art, myself and my site. In the case of my merchandise, I'm pushing the illustrations to the forefront so I needed to really showcase that. Yet as far as my other art and the gallery goes, I do a lot more photography and photo based concepts. So I had to work that in too. My fatmask pieces are both two of my top works in my eyes and they are the only pieces that I have released in both realms. I figured why not blend them! After many hours of finding the right mix of the two, I came up with what you see.

The Font:
It may seem like a point that doesn't need discussing but I love sites that emphasize the beauty of a good type and minimalism. I have even been tempted to have my site be designed around this concept. But that's not what my art is about so I decided I need to showcase my work first and foremost. So I did my best to combine both schools of thought.

So what do you think? There are a lot of naysayers that despise splash pages. But I think I hit the mark on a nonirritating design that's bold yet simple and of course interesting. Got ideas or constructive criticism? Shoot me a line!

MOVIE REVIEW: DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS

Short (Semi Spoiler Free) Verdict
Waste of time. The characters were lame, plot was cliche and it really wasn't very comedic. If you want to watch a douche white guy, dildo about on unbelievable and unfunny hijinks with an unamusing sidekick, this is your movie.
Stars: ★★☆☆☆

Full Review
**SPOILER ALERT**
Want the entire story? Hi, I'm a nice guy. Insert ludicrous moronic character to gum up the works yet who has an underlying redeemable quality. My overly hot girl leaves me. Now said moron and I go on implausible adventures in a very short time span. Everything works out in the end. Hooray.

I've seen this before. Now I'm not upset at Hollywood regurgitating the same plots over and over. I knew this was the case from the get go. I just require new twists or interesting takes on the concept and of course for it to be done well. This was just… blah. All the B-list comedians slipped into the mix of this movie didn't help either. It wasn't the secondary actors faults though. Galifianakis and Clement did well in their roles. The poop factor lies with Steve Carell and Paul Rudd.

Steve Carell's character wasn't amusing or endearing at all. He didn't hit the mark on the dumb yet lovable guy. It all seemed really forced. Plus, the dead mice thing wasn't cute, it was creepy. He was Norman Bates who just hasn't stepped up his game yet.

The biggest chunk of undigested ick in this bucket of vomit was Paul Rudd. All he ever plays is the stereotypical tool white guy with lame one liners who makes everyone uncomfortable. The guy that you can't wait to get away from at work and avoid if seen in the real world because he's a soulless, suburbanite, white-collar clone? He's now typecast himself into this role and it's beyond the getting old point. I can handle him in small doses as a supporting douche but definitely not the lead. Who enjoys being uncomfortable for two hours? I don't.

BAD MOTHER

Wednesday evening, my daughter Alex caught a glimpse of my wallet. In case you haven't seen it or Pulp Fiction, it's the one I used for Random Object Thursday last week. Anyways, I just so happened to have my finger over the "FUCKER" part of the statement that's sewn into it. I avoided her questioning at that moment and made it disappear, quickly. I thought I was in the clear. I was wrong.

The next day on the way to drop her off at my mothers house for baby-sitting while I went to work, she ever so innocently asks again, "Why does your wallet say BAD MOTHER on it?"

This time I was ready.

"Well honey, it's because I am a bad mother... but I'm a great father, right?" I smartly replied.

"Oh… ya… that makes sense!" she says.

Daddy tactfully escapes another one. Muahahahahahahha!

ROT: PHOROPTER

Today's random object is the device the eye doc uses while saying "Which looks clearer… number one or number two? Three or four?" or something along those lines. I shot it with my cell phone while waiting in my eye surgeons examination room. Everyone is familiar with this thing but I had never heard it's actual name before. I hate not knowing something which means I did some Googling. I found out it's called a Phoropter. Yep, I will probably never remember that. But hey, now you know too!

ROT: BAD MOTHER FUCKER WALLET

I am an animal rights activist and I do my best not to consume, purchase or own anything that contains animal products. It's for this reason that the giver of this gift was worried that I might not accept this as a present on my 30th birthday. But this wallet is an ode to one of my all time favorite flicks, Pulp Fiction. That and it came from my best friend Rick Riley who is as close to me as possible without actually being blood. It is for those two epic reasons alone, that I proudly carry this as my only possession that was spawned from the misfortune of another creature.

So the next time you are searching for my wallet in a sack as you're attempting to rob me, it's the one that says BAD MOTHER FUCKER on it.

Get some.

ME-ME-MEOW

I can meow any guitar riff with pinpoint accuracy. That's right, any guitar riff. Don't believe me? Here's a taste.

Meeeeeeeeeeooooooow…
Meeeeeeeeeeooooooow…
Meeeeeeeeeeooooooow…
Meooow… meooow… meow, meow, meow… meow-meow-meow-meow-meow meow, meow meow meow!

That was Iron Man by Black Sabbath.
Get some.

p.s. I didn't take this pic, I found it in a Google search with no photo credit. Pretty rad though!

NICKY, DON'T EAT MY HEAD

So lately I've been thinking about the similarities between my lovely and awesome girl Nicky and a female praying mantis.

• Slender body styles
• Beady eyes
• Pointy little lips
• Piercing stare
• Affinity for green... and evil
  
• Intense predatory instinct
• Capable of killing lesser men
• Unique, beautiful and very interesting to watch but if you get to close they might bite
  

Another interesting and well known praying mantis fact? Though usually during the actual mating event, after conception the female mantis will devour their mate. This is done starting with the biting off of his head.

*gulp*

Um, I like my head. It rocks. I've knocked her up so now maybe I should start to be cautious. She has been looking at me with this "more evil than normal" gleam in her eyes. I'm not a weak man but maybe I should start thinking about wearing nibble resistant head gear to bed or something. I guess if I go without a post on here for more than month, call the cops... or pest control. Be sure to check Nicky's stomach for traces of my face.


p.s. Just kidding babe. Love you!

FEEDBACK

Why is that some bands feel like they have to put a really annoying noise or feedback at the beginning or end of some of their tunes? I can totally understand a cringy guitar release at the end of your rock out session. I also dig the use of some kind of mechanical discord as a beat or hook like what techno or industrial does all the time. But don't shatter my ear drums with a minute long cacophony of ear bleeding ruckus after your tear invoking ballad. Don't stick a nails across a chalkboard in the middle of your song. That just annoys the piss out of me and makes me want to skip to the next track.

Let me work up a mental image in your head.

I have my fat ass eighties stereo system (back when the bigger the speaker the better) cranked up to house rumbling mode. I'll be howling along with some killer song and then a sound like a dying terminator rips through the air. My eyes bulge and I make a mad dash to turn it down before my windows shatter and my teeth turn to dust. I trip on every piece of furniture in my house, step on the cats tail and end up turning the volume knob the wrong way in a panic. That's when Nicky yells at me and/or throws a shoe in my direction. Yep, that completely killed my groove.

You want another scenario? OK...

You're chilling at a stop light on a beautiful day with your windows down. Your hardcore music is blasting so loud that the car pulling up next to you can partake in the glory. Slowly, you glance over with your mirror sunglasses to give the dude or chick next you a "That's right, I fucking rock" nod. But just as you meet face to face, a horrible spine twisting tone races through your speakers, pushing them past their limit. You cringe, grit your teeth, squint one eye and make a face that would cause your momma to Ralph as you fumble with your radio dials. The people next to you snicker as the light changes to green and they peel off. Coolness fail.

Anyways, it's not rad. It's the opposite of rad. It's poopie. Use noise appropriately, musicians. Our speakers, eardrums and egos thank you.

ROT: CAT ANDIRON

This little bugger is just the face shot for one of the black cat iron andirons we sell at my work. He's so freaking cool looking that I have this exact picture posted in my office. He glares at me all day long and reminds me of my kitty Vixen that loves to glare at everyone. If I had a fireplace, I'd have these marble eyed meanies fo sho!

Photo Credit: Flint Hannah

IT'S ALIVE!

I have done it! Tremble you fools...Nicky is the carrier of my seed!
Muahahahahaha!
*ahem*

It's official. Nicky and I are having a bay-bay! You can totally bet on the fact that we are going to inject this little bundle of chaos with mad creativity, open mindedness, compassion and of course a touch of dissent. Plus now my daughter Alexandria will have a half sister!

Here's the most recent sonogram at 12 weeks:

MOVIE REVIEW: RED AND MONSTERS

I just finished watching the movies Red and Monsters recently. So assuming you give two shits about my skewed opinion, here are my thoughts on each.

Short Verdicts
(Semi-Spoiler Free)

Red
A decent mix of campy and comedy with action and over the top fun. This flick was a humorous look at dealing with getting old yet still wanting and being able to kick ass. New school versus experienced old timers.
Stars: ★★★★☆

Monsters
This was really drawn out with no real climax. I liked the premise and I'm down with showing human drama with a menacing creature problem as a backdrop but this just kind of fizzled. Not a lot of monster fun was to be had or even seen for a movie named Monsters. The story went no where and the whole thing was fairly boring. I'd give it 2.5 stars if I could but since it was shot and acted well, I'll be nice.
Stars: ★★★☆☆

Full Reviews
**SPOILER ALERT**

Red
Pit retired government trained elite operatives against the best that the modern CIA has to offer. Now that sounds fun! I really enjoy it when actors can use their age to their advantage. In my opinion, Bruce Willis will always be filed under bad ass in my mental Rolodex for his Die Hard work alone. He is getting older though. Not ancient by any means hence the still being able to slip back into hardcore mode was believable. The back and forth between the Karl Urban and Willis was pretty well done and Urban did a great job being a worthy opposite. The best part of the movie? Seeing Helen Mirren with a sniper rifle. Now that's awesome. This movie was good fun.

Monsters
Mighty big aliens have now taken a foothold on a huge patch of land between Mexico and the U. S. of A. Neither country has been able to do much about it in the six years since they arrived besides quarantining the entire zone. A couple of unhappy suburbanite white people work their way through Mexico back to America amidst the final closing of said zone. Sounds like this should be real thrill ride doesn't it? Well it wasn't.

The two main characters float through the whole movie either bitching about their lives, flirting with one another, wandering carelessly about or saying "What was that?" when they knew damn well that it's an alien. You're in the monster hot zone so what the hell else could that odd noise, rustling group of leaves or random ripple of water be caused by... Keebler elves!? They were both the classic stupid American types. The chick made too much noise and the dude kept forgetting to keep track of his camera or other important things like passports. You're in another country and it's Mexico. When I was there five years ago I kept my valuables strapped to me or in plain view at all times and there were no massive killer squids running amok. None that I knew of anyways. But still, where's you're head at?

They kept doing these shots of impoverished life in Central America like some National Geographic documentary but with alien undertones. A kid sitting next to a machine gun, villagers carrying downed fighter plane pieces, burned creature carcass on a villa... things suck, we got it. They worked gas mask signs, graffiti or the real deal into almost every single frame. I love gas masks more than most people but holy crap, talk about overkill. Flooding your movie with them doesn't make it edgy.

It all ended with the couple kissing after watching two big squids make out in a gas station parking lot. All in need of love, right? I just wasn't feeling it. Yes, we all see your lame attempt at juxtaposing outer space aliens with your stance on Mexican illegal aliens. They are both living creatures that just want to create a family in a better place. We know a wall will never keep determined beings out of a country whether they are from earth or outer space. Once the aliens got past the wall though, they tore into things and we hammered our own soil and homes to stop them. Are the creators of this movie saying that sneaky Mexicans will destroy America it if they get in and that the government will stop at nothing to keep them out? Hmmm... I'm probably digging too deep.

Anyways, I like the setting and the idea but I've seen it before and this attempt was really slow. I found myself wanting them to get to the action or or at least a quality punchline.

ROT: BLUE COFFEE MUG

I love me some java. This week I was sick for two days and only drank orange juice at work. But when I finally got to sip on a cup of everyone's favorite legal speed, I was in heaven. So I figured I would pick my fairly generic dark blue coffee mug for Random Object Thursday this week. I found it for less than a buck in the clearance section of a Dillion's, Wichita's biggest grocery chain. What a steal! Oh and yes, that is a CD sleeve I'm using as a coaster because yes, I am that ghetto.

MICHAEL VICK IS THE NEW JESUS

I read today that the Southeastern Virginia Arts Association is honoring Michael Vick as a hero and throwing him a big shindig. It's going to be held in Norfolk at the Half Moon Cruise and Celebration Center right down from my old apartment in Virginia.

Say what!?

OK, let's first define hero.

1. A man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.

Now let's break that down.

Distinguished courage: Some might say he has courage to go through all that he has since he was busted for dog fighting. Well that's not courage, it's mandatory and deserved. He had to be punished just the same as any other criminal. Sure it sucks to go to jail or serve any sentence, but you don't get a choice. You fucked up, got caught, now deal with it. Real courage is what a fireman has when running into a crumbling inferno to save a life.

Distinguished ability: There are countless other athletes that are equal to or more skilled than Vick. He had his best season since his come back and it was nothing to bat an eye at but it wasn't epic. There will be a whole new batch of fresh young bad ass athletes next season anyways.

Brave deeds and noble qualities: He plays football like countless others before him and countless will after. It's not bravery, it's playing a game for money. Besides, what makes him any more brave than any other guy that steps on any other field around the world? Then there's the horrible and disgusting dog fighting aspect. Where were his noble qualities then? Again, it was about money.

The article that I read all about this in quoted the mega-moron Michael Muhammad, who leads the Southeastern Virginia Arts Association. He said "The term 'hero' is subjective. People talk about Michael Vick as a convicted felon, well so was Jesus Christ yet he was able to do things above and beyond the naysayers to the point that we all recognize him today as Lord and Savior." Hold the phone, did that jackass just compare Christ to Vick?! I don't care if you're religious or not, that's just retarded. I'm not even going to pick up that fumble.

Muhammad went on to say that Michael journeyed across country talking to youth about the harm of dog fighting, to be good and that Vick was the little guy who deserves the chance to be honored. Hold the phone again, did he just say he was the little guy!? Vick is a football star, makes copious amounts of money and he's deserves something more? For what? Because he got in trouble and had to punished? A lot of those "noble acts" were court ordered and I would bet most of the rest were due to his management pushing to save face. He only had to overcome obstacles that he put in his own path.

My question is what is this Muhammad douche getting out of all this? Why now? What set this all off? He probably just hates PETA for getting up in Vick's ass (deservedly so) and this is his weird and ignorant revenge. Just in case you didn't know, PETA is based out of Norfolk and is two blocks from where this black tie affair is being held.

Anyways, I'm not saying he should be lashed every Sunday for the rest of his life for his callous and cruel crimes. He did the requirements the courts passed down, regardless of how light they might have been, and that's that. Maybe after 20 years of kicking major ass and being a social superhero should he be considered but I see nothing to date deeming Michael Vick worthy of any honoring.