AN ALIEN, THE DEVIL, A COWBOY, A MEXICAN, AND TWO COPS WALK INTO A BAR

This weekend I pretty much lived in my PJ's. Hell, I didn't even step one foot outside on Sunday. So what did I do with my time? I ate finger food and rolled around on my couch watching crappy movies and Married with Children reruns… pretty much the American dream.

Doesn't seem like I would have much to write an actual blog about does it. Well how about my thoughts on all the films I took in! I purposefully picked five movies that I knew wouldn't be that amazing. Thus, I kept my expectations low so that I might enjoy them more. Just so you know, I rate by the five star scale (Click here to fully understand my personal rating system) just as Netflix does. Though hard for me to do, I'll do my best to keep the reviews short.

***SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't seen Jonah Hex, Machete, The Other Guys, Devil or Predators, don't read any further.***

Jonah Hex (the comic book action western)
Stars: ★★★☆☆

Before I viewed this, I had read all these reviews saying how gawd awful this movie was. Crazy thing is, I actually wasn't appalled when I was done viewing it. In fact, quite the contrary! I do have a soft spot for comic movies, bad ass leading character driven actions and westerns with an interesting twist so this got some forgiveness/cool points right out of the gate. The main character Jonah, played by Josh Brolin, was pretty cool and he did a great job with the role. He took no shit, was pretty hardcore (at least at the beginning) and could talk with the dead which I really liked. His archenemies was played by John Malkovich. Brolin is a man's man and a decent actor. Malkovich, who can be a good actor and is not manly at all, was unfortunately a little lame. His stop and go kind of dialogue doesn't fit everywhere and he felt really forced in this movie. Plus there's no way he could last ten seconds in a fight with Brolin, even if he snuck up on him in his sleep. Megan Fox was just eye candy for the masses as usual. She spent damn near the whole movie with large portions of her ta-ta's popping out of her corset. Even though she represents all I hate in hollywood, I do have to admit, she wasn't laughable in this flick and handled her role fairly well.

Over all, the movie started out well enough and I was digging it for the first thirty minutes or so. But then it did get campy here and there and the story dragged and fizzled a bit. It was almost like the first half was directed by someone other than who finished it.

Machette (the cheesy action)
Stars: ★★☆☆☆

Cheesy is not even good enough. Campy? Goofy? Retarded? I knew this was going to be that way though so I expected flying motorcycles, too hot of chicks doing unbelievable action and machetes cutting through everything like butter.

Over all the goofiness got kind of old. I was ok with it at first but this movie dragged. If you're going to do over the top action make it flow throughout the entire flick. There was too much of Machete, played by the ever cool and hardcore Danny Trejo, walking around into random script changes. All the corny mexican humor wasn't too bad either and I like Cheech Marins bit parts. Which brings me to my next point, there were gobs of pointless actors in this movie that were there only for their name. Steven Seagal was one and acted the same as always, lame. Lindsay Lohan was only there to show her boobs… oh gee thanks. Jessica Alba again showed off her lack of acting skills and tried to slip by on her hotness. All the acting could have been better even if it was supposed to be a corn ball flick. Sorry Trejo, you only get two stinkin' star badges.

The Other Guys (buddy comedy)
Stars: ★★★☆☆

When you see Will Ferrell's name on the card you know exactly what type of comedy you're getting every time. Awkward humor, off the wall remarks and improvised randomness. For the most part, I don't mind it one bit and this was no exception. I wouldn't say this movie was a laugh riot but it had quite a few funny parts. I loved Mark Wahlberg in this movie and he played off of Ferrell nicely. He just seems like the pent up, frustrated, everyman anyways so it was almost natural. All the ball busting he did on Ferrell throughout the film was awesome. Another funny bonus was Michael Keaton. It's good seeing him in movies again and even better that he was in a comedic role. The Other Guys, funny but just another time killer, filler comedy.

Devil (the horror/thriller)
Stars: ★★★★☆

As I started this movie I was filled with dread. Not because the intro was scary but because M. Night Shyamalan or M. Night Smelly-hand as I like to call him, popped up in the credits. He's had some good movies but that last one he did, The Happening, was so bad I now am wary of anything he dishes out. I don't want to bite into another doughnut filled with poop like I did with that movie.

Much to my delight, Devil was actually enjoyable and only had a few details that I could have lived without. All the actors did quite well in there perspective roles and were not big names, which I liked. This movie was an example that you don't really need nudity, flashy super sexy actors or much in the way of special effects to make a decent "who-done-it" horror. With a plot and Satan that would be apparent to a monkey, it was still a fun movie and one of the better of it's genre out of 2010. It was a borderline three but I felt like being generous and giving this one four stars. Best movie of the weekend.

Predators (the sci-fi action)
Stars: ★★★☆☆

First of all, let's be clear on the fact that it's impossible to top Arnold Schwarzenegger's best film, Predator. Now with that in mind, this was probably my second favorite out of all the Predator movies. Adrien Brody, though he always looks like he's about to cry, did a great job being a tough guy action hero. The use of new weapons on both human and alien sides was cool and the premise that the humans were the top predators on our planet was a interesting thought. I was also really digging the samurai showdown scene and although it could have been longer and more in-depth, I liked the predator on predator battle towards the end.

My dislikes about the movie? Laurence Fishburne sucked in his role. It's really hard to pull off the crazy routine and even harder to make the invisible friend bit work. Fishburne failed at both. I like the concept that there was a human that was able to stay aloof on the game preserve. He scavenged and cut throats to survive and had been studying the predators the best he could. Again, Laurence just didn't seem believable. He really just doesn't seem that tough to me. I also don't like how every Predator movie feels like they have to jock Schwarzenegger's one liner gimmicks. I'm tired of hearing "What the hell are you?", "Kill me! I'm here!" and of course "You're one ugly mother fucker". It's good to keep a similar theme but don't walk damn near the same path. This movie had far too many pulls from the original, including scenes, scenarios and character types. Again, I did like this movie but I would have to give it the trusty three stars.

That about wraps it up folks! I know this was a long post but fuck it, it's something semi-interesting to read besides whatever Oprah is peddling these days. Oh and feel free to leave your thoughts about any of these movies!