MOVIE REVIEW: PRIEST

Short (Semi Spoiler Free) Verdict
Humans versus vampires in an alternate reality where a close minded church poorly runs the show. Sounds promising but it's all a farce. Turdy story, cheesy acting, average special effects and characters that you just can't really sink your teeth into.
Stars: ★★☆☆☆

Full Review (SPOILER ALERT)

I really wanted to like this movie. It's a dystopian future society set in an alternate reality where we've fought vampires since the dawn of time, all with a western meets Anime feel. Sounds like it should be mildly entertaining, right? But poor acting and a pathetic story made this far less than stellar.

The idea that we have to fight vampires with ninja paladins is pretty cool. But the first scene where the main priest gets to show off was pretty weak. He gets knocked down and he wasn't even that impressive. He fights better as time goes on but really, I'm not buying that these priests were so integral to humans winning the centuries long vampire struggle. A handful of these cross faced warriors brought us back from the brink of extinction yet four wussy vampires give the best priest a bit of a run for his money? Swords and Chinese stars work better than bombs and bullets? Riiiiiiight. Stick a tactical nuke in the middle of the vamps far too open and accessible nest and call it a day.

Let's move on to the churchly aspect. Hooray for standing up against tyrannical rulers that are blinded by their faith. But the church leader is seriously obtuse to a fault. He doesn't want the main priest to go investigate vampire attacks because it might cause mass panic in his people. Yet he's willing to call all the other priests out of retirement to hunt one of their own? You don't think the public would find this a bit more ludicrous and upsetting? Lame. You need to sell it better than that writers.

As far as performances, every actor forced their roles. The main bad guy (Karl Urban) was so incredibly lame. I can overlook a lot of bad acting if there's quality action and interesting new battle scenes but I just wasn't impressed. Plus the ending fizzled. So if you're on a flight and they play this movie, just shut the shade and take a nap.