DEAD BOSSES

Just imagine if the structure of society were to crumble. Our world slips into a lawless state where everyone could do as they please. It would be interesting to see who survives and thrives during and after the fall. People in certain job titles, professions or trades would start becoming quite handy to have around. Hunters, engineers and even hippies that live off the land would be very useful companions. But regardless of how awesome their skill set might be, I know one class of people that would almost certainly be ripped to shreds right off the bat. The bosses across the world.

My immediate manager is cool by me, so this is not directed towards my current day job... per say. This is just about the "ruling class" as a whole. Unless you were a cool boss and loved by your underlings, you are probably going to die. So much animosity is built up during our day to day lives towards the dicks that reign over us. They only get away with it because we are all slaves in a money driven world. We need cash for our lives, liberty and our pursuit of happiness. Plus it is against the law and considered "morally wrong" to strangle management in their offices with a mouse cord. That is why they can demean us and get away with it.

If the norms, control and values ever disintegrate... it is on. That overbearing prick that belittles you day in and day out is toast. If you have to fight to survive, why would you risk your neck for some asshole who makes everyone miserable? It might be smart to keep a head honcho around that posses any actual skills to learn from, at least for a little while. Once that special ability becomes common knowledge in their survival group, they can then be officially offed. That special administrator will be found dead one morning in their sleeping bag. The group will know someone did it with a can of beans made into a shiv but they will all outwardly agree that it must have been a wild boar.

The moral of the story is, if you are in any position where you have even the slightest bit of authority, think about what would happen to you if the lights went out forever. Then make up your mind if you really want to browbeat your minions. In fact, bring in cookies tomorrow and I suggest you go hand out high fives to the entire office, right now.

HOWARD THE DUCK

I couldn't decide on anything new to watch, so I gave old Howard the Duck a whirl last night on Netflix. I probably haven't seen that since it came out back in 1986. It has always stayed in the fond childhood movie memories section… until last night.

This movie really isn't very good. Poor acting, stupid jokes… lameness all around. I tried to like it because I'm a sucker for odd and random. But George Lucas really didn't know where to take this movie. It was dumbed down and humored like a kids flick but it had some odd adult themes and scenes. Take for instance when Howard is being pulled to our plant. He crashes through the apartment of a topless duck girl. Feathered boobies with human-esque nipples is a little bit disturbing. Another squirm inducing scene is the one where Lea Thompson is "semi-jokingly" trying to seduce Howard. It's great getting to see Lea in panties but not while she's rubbing on a talking bird. Throughout the rest of the flick, the two make dating innuendos back and forth. So what happens after it's all said and done? If you finished the movie you'd find out that Howard ends up sating on our planet. Sorry for the ending spoiler but you're not missing much if you missed this movie. My question is, do they hook up? Does he use the duck condom that she found in his wallet? George, your bestiality fetish is starting to show.

Anyways, Howard the Duck fails but I still have a crush on Lea Thompson.

The end

WSU: DAY ONE

I feel old and out of place. Why? I went through my first day back at college on Monday.

See, I was attending Tidewater Community College back in Virginia Beach a few years ago. That entailed a lot of night classes with little to no drama or bullshit. This time it's in Kansas at WSU, a much bigger state university. Aside from feeling like a little fish, it's mainly geared towards post high school youngin's. That means I have to take a lot of day classes and it sucks for the working class stiff. Another sour note is that I have to retake some of the bullshit intro courses again because my credits wouldn't transfer. Hooray for wasted time and money. So most of my time there is spent sitting through boring stuff that I already know about, next to immature dill holes that are fresh off the yellow bus.

I've done the full time job and full class load before back in my TCC days. It wasn't a big deal when I was a single, swinging, mid-twenties, squid. I know that's not a very long time ago, but it sure feels like it. I'm in my early thirties now and my responsibilities and priorities have changed. House, family and a job that I can now lose… all grown up stuff. That also means my weekdays and free time are toast.

When I was in the military it didn't seem so bad. Anything that got me out of that uniform and the cogs of the machine was good by me. But now that I'm free from Uncle Sam's pocket, it's a whole new poop filled equation. Trying to maintain my freedom and sanity while balancing everything else is taxing. I know it's something that everyone deals with and that I'm not unique. I just feel like I'm losing touch with my artistic side. I think that mainly stems from not having clients, friends or an artistic reputation here in Kansas. I just haven't had time to tackle it with all the drama my ex put me through and the other speed bumps I've hit since I've been here in the Midwest. I... uh... wait... I'm rambling and making excuses.

Blah, blah, blah. I'm decaying one day at a time just like everyone else and I'm just bitching about it.



I do sometimes dream about putting this city and all the normalcy and monotonous life that goes with it in my rear view mirror. But that's simply a passing thought that I could never honestly entertain. I adore my family and loved ones too much. It would just be nice to become totally free and disconnected. To dip yourself into the "civilized" normal world only when you felt like it, not because you were born into it. But that's another rant...

FISTICUFFS FRIDAY: OOMPA LOOMPAS VS MUNCHKINS

A weekly post put out in a timely fashion can be hard for me. I like being able to post whatever I want, when ever I want, rather then having to adhere to a strict time frame. Not to mention I forget things easily and I can be a little flighty on occasion. Thus, Random Object Thursday kind of disappeared if you hadn't noticed. But I like the concept of having something always there on specific days to show consistency. That being said, I will bring back ROT, just sporadically.

But ROT isn't why I'm writing this. When I was first brainstorming ROT, I also thought it would be cool to make Fisticuffs Friday and showcase an interesting battle between to random opponents. Yet again, I hate schedules and I don't have the time, patience, revenue or reader demand to put so much effort into this here blog. So I'll just make Fisticuffs Friday sporadic as well.

Now on with the fight!

As I was taking a poo at work the other day, I thought it would be awesome to have Oompa Loompas from Willy Wonka come out of the walls to tend to my bathroom needs. I don't have some midget fetish or desire to enslave all dwarfs, I just think it would be neat. But as cool as having short orange bathroom attendants might be, I thought their little songs might get annoying over time. Which lured my mind to another famous group of little people that annoyingly sang their faces off, The Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz. Then I began to imagine a full on war between the two tiny terrors. All of this while I sat upon a porcelain throne at work.

Yes, I'm odd. Now let's get to a side by side comparison of their stats.

Specs:	Oompa Loompa	Munchkin	Winner
Appearance:	Orange skin	Flesh tone skin	Oompa
Hair:	Curly green girl	Crazy Flock of Seagulls Style	Munchkin
Body:	Dwarf	Dwarf	Tie!
Outfit:	White jump suit with striped socks	White collared plaid suits with striped socks	Oompa
Weapons:	Tools and odd candy gadgets	Standard societal objects including what looked like rifles	Munchkin
Songs:	Witty, snarky and educative	Full of glee but obsessed with guilds	Oompa
Personality:	Hard working and regimented	Some bureaucratically inclined but most just frolic	Oompa
Society:	Drones and workers	Diverse	Munchkin
Leader:	Willy Wonka the insane candy man	Glinda the good witch	Oompa
Tally:	6	4	Oompa!

Both parties are pretty well matched. The differences lie in their social aspects the most. But even though the Munkins have what looked like a militia in one of their parades, their guns must be ceremonial only. Flying monkeys are scary but guns would totally prevail. And so their militia is ruled out. They just seem far too nice and would be easy push overs. Oompas, on the other hand, are beefy little docker workers that are very regimented. Those traits would make them excellent soldiers and formidable combatants. Then when you factor in that their leader Wonka is certifiable, it's no comparison. Glinda was a wuss.

So after a very close battle and much to my delight, the Oompa Loompas prevail in one on one combat or full out open warfare.

ACHY BREAKY HEART

I woke up this morning with something that no medical doctor can treat yet. This ailment was probably one of the most painful things to have happened to me in months. As I slowly slipped back into consciousness I became aware of this terrible pain in my brain. In deafening volume was the horrible country song Achy Breaky Heart, stuck on repeat.

Oh the agony! The horror!

Odd thing is, I haven't heard that pitiful excuse for a song in probably fifteen years. Somehow that offensive memory slipped out of it's sealed iron box. It seems that I need a better security protocol in the old noggin because that completely ruined my morning.

Oh lawd no... writing about it released it again. No... NO!

Someone shoot me.

WINE IS AWESOME

This weekend I took five bottles of assorted wines over to my brothers house for a six person dinner. I took mead, sweet elderberry, Californian Pinot Noir, chocolate wine and a bottle of alcohol removed for the Nicky. Adam brought a boxed wine and beer and we polished them all off save for one bottle of elderberry. Man I missed wine.

Vino hasn't touched my lips since my last outing with my best friend Jessica in Virginia. She was my premier wine drinking buddy and wine always makes me think of her and my other best friend Rick. He, on the other hand, was always down for some wine but didn't really care about where it came from or for the snooty aspect of it all. But that gave me an idea. This weekends fun and the longing to drink with my far away friends combined with my own do it yourself attitude made me decide that I want to try and make my own wine. I have quite a few well established vines in my new back yard so I figured why not give it a shot. So if it all turns our right, I can seal up a few bottles and send them to my homies for an over the phone toast... or something like that.

I want to do some test runs and perfect the process before I try it on my own grapes next season. So Sunday I bought a bunch of black grapes and sugar. This week sometime I'll snag the yeast and the basic equipment. I'll be sure to catalog all my findings and process every step of the way just in case any of you readers want to ever try it. So stay tuned for my wine adventures!

WICHITA STATE UNIVERSITY MASCOT

For the past couple of days at my job, I've been working with product photography with team logos from all of the major colleges across the country. It's kind of interesting seeing what universities have for their mascots. It makes me curious as to why some of them chose what they did.

Then I started thinking about Wichita State University's mascot, the college I will be attending for the first time this fall. Their mascot is the WuShock, a muscly bundle of wheat. WSU's site says his name is divided into two parts. One from when the college was simply titled Wichita University, or WU for short. The second being that most players earned extra money harvesting or "shocking" wheat in their spare time.

Isn't that just farm-tastic.

I'm super stoked to go to WSU and all but a pile of dead grass isn't exactly menacing, let alone cool. Couldn't they have picked something real that was rooted in Wichita's history like cowboys, Indians or bison? Hell, I'd be down with a locust or some other farm pest. Back in Virginia, Richmond University gets to be the spider. That's the coolest mascot ever! The only thing cooler than that would be a ninja but I don't think there were any of those in Wichita until I came along.

Oh well. I suppose I can get behind the idea of being a shocker. Better than the Wichita pink elves or something worse.

WARRIOR DASH 2011

Richard, Jennifer, Nicky and I all climbed into the Aveo Sunday morning from our hotel in Kansas City. The weather was hot, landing just under the one hundred degree mark. We traversed the countryside looking for our destination, bristling with excitement. Then we came upon a clearing with tents, a stage blasting classic rock and thousands of people wandering about. Some had face paint, others were in costume but most were simply sporting athletic wear like Richard and I. So as the girls parked the car, us two blokes tightened our laces and slung our pride over our shoulders as we entered the gate that read… Warrior Dash.

This was an awesome event! I have never seen so many people excited to get their asses kicked in the heat just for a fuzzy helmet, cheap viking medallion, commemorative t-shirt and a free beer. Then again, they had me at the free beer. I had expected it to be filled with macho meat-headed guys all grunting and chest bumping. But to all of our surprise, there were probably more chicks than dudes. It was nice to see an array of people from young to old and from fit to fat. I have a lot of respect for those bigger peeps that kept on trucking' though it all. On a side note, I have to mention the inordinately high amount of male and female eye candy. Muscle men and athletic women in tight cloths all covered in mud as far as the eye could see. It was quite a sight to behold and we all drooled accordingly.

Nicky and Jen waited in the smoldering heat for us in what little shade there was to be found as my brother and I ran our races. Yep, Nicky in all her pregnant glory sweated rivers just to support her man. How's that for love. Richard went first and pushed himself pretty hard. I didn't quite push as hard as he did. He's in a lot better shape and I knew there was no way I would win against him let alone the scores of gym rats out there. I just wanted to have fun with it. But Richard actually placed 144th out of like 4,700 people! Pretty dope.

The obstacles were easy but the course itself is what made it hard. The terrain was far more rough, muddy and steep than either of us had prepared for. It wailed on us pretty good. But next year we will dominate on our 2011 times. To make next years event even more rad, Nicky and Jen are running with us. Get some.