MOVIE REVIEW: RED AND MONSTERS

I just finished watching the movies Red and Monsters recently. So assuming you give two shits about my skewed opinion, here are my thoughts on each.

Short Verdicts
(Semi-Spoiler Free)

Red
A decent mix of campy and comedy with action and over the top fun. This flick was a humorous look at dealing with getting old yet still wanting and being able to kick ass. New school versus experienced old timers.
Stars: ★★★★☆

Monsters
This was really drawn out with no real climax. I liked the premise and I'm down with showing human drama with a menacing creature problem as a backdrop but this just kind of fizzled. Not a lot of monster fun was to be had or even seen for a movie named Monsters. The story went no where and the whole thing was fairly boring. I'd give it 2.5 stars if I could but since it was shot and acted well, I'll be nice.
Stars: ★★★☆☆

Full Reviews
**SPOILER ALERT**

Red
Pit retired government trained elite operatives against the best that the modern CIA has to offer. Now that sounds fun! I really enjoy it when actors can use their age to their advantage. In my opinion, Bruce Willis will always be filed under bad ass in my mental Rolodex for his Die Hard work alone. He is getting older though. Not ancient by any means hence the still being able to slip back into hardcore mode was believable. The back and forth between the Karl Urban and Willis was pretty well done and Urban did a great job being a worthy opposite. The best part of the movie? Seeing Helen Mirren with a sniper rifle. Now that's awesome. This movie was good fun.

Monsters
Mighty big aliens have now taken a foothold on a huge patch of land between Mexico and the U. S. of A. Neither country has been able to do much about it in the six years since they arrived besides quarantining the entire zone. A couple of unhappy suburbanite white people work their way through Mexico back to America amidst the final closing of said zone. Sounds like this should be real thrill ride doesn't it? Well it wasn't.

The two main characters float through the whole movie either bitching about their lives, flirting with one another, wandering carelessly about or saying "What was that?" when they knew damn well that it's an alien. You're in the monster hot zone so what the hell else could that odd noise, rustling group of leaves or random ripple of water be caused by... Keebler elves!? They were both the classic stupid American types. The chick made too much noise and the dude kept forgetting to keep track of his camera or other important things like passports. You're in another country and it's Mexico. When I was there five years ago I kept my valuables strapped to me or in plain view at all times and there were no massive killer squids running amok. None that I knew of anyways. But still, where's you're head at?

They kept doing these shots of impoverished life in Central America like some National Geographic documentary but with alien undertones. A kid sitting next to a machine gun, villagers carrying downed fighter plane pieces, burned creature carcass on a villa... things suck, we got it. They worked gas mask signs, graffiti or the real deal into almost every single frame. I love gas masks more than most people but holy crap, talk about overkill. Flooding your movie with them doesn't make it edgy.

It all ended with the couple kissing after watching two big squids make out in a gas station parking lot. All in need of love, right? I just wasn't feeling it. Yes, we all see your lame attempt at juxtaposing outer space aliens with your stance on Mexican illegal aliens. They are both living creatures that just want to create a family in a better place. We know a wall will never keep determined beings out of a country whether they are from earth or outer space. Once the aliens got past the wall though, they tore into things and we hammered our own soil and homes to stop them. Are the creators of this movie saying that sneaky Mexicans will destroy America it if they get in and that the government will stop at nothing to keep them out? Hmmm... I'm probably digging too deep.

Anyways, I like the setting and the idea but I've seen it before and this attempt was really slow. I found myself wanting them to get to the action or or at least a quality punchline.

ROT: BLUE COFFEE MUG

I love me some java. This week I was sick for two days and only drank orange juice at work. But when I finally got to sip on a cup of everyone's favorite legal speed, I was in heaven. So I figured I would pick my fairly generic dark blue coffee mug for Random Object Thursday this week. I found it for less than a buck in the clearance section of a Dillion's, Wichita's biggest grocery chain. What a steal! Oh and yes, that is a CD sleeve I'm using as a coaster because yes, I am that ghetto.

MICHAEL VICK IS THE NEW JESUS

I read today that the Southeastern Virginia Arts Association is honoring Michael Vick as a hero and throwing him a big shindig. It's going to be held in Norfolk at the Half Moon Cruise and Celebration Center right down from my old apartment in Virginia.

Say what!?

OK, let's first define hero.

1. A man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.

Now let's break that down.

Distinguished courage: Some might say he has courage to go through all that he has since he was busted for dog fighting. Well that's not courage, it's mandatory and deserved. He had to be punished just the same as any other criminal. Sure it sucks to go to jail or serve any sentence, but you don't get a choice. You fucked up, got caught, now deal with it. Real courage is what a fireman has when running into a crumbling inferno to save a life.

Distinguished ability: There are countless other athletes that are equal to or more skilled than Vick. He had his best season since his come back and it was nothing to bat an eye at but it wasn't epic. There will be a whole new batch of fresh young bad ass athletes next season anyways.

Brave deeds and noble qualities: He plays football like countless others before him and countless will after. It's not bravery, it's playing a game for money. Besides, what makes him any more brave than any other guy that steps on any other field around the world? Then there's the horrible and disgusting dog fighting aspect. Where were his noble qualities then? Again, it was about money.

The article that I read all about this in quoted the mega-moron Michael Muhammad, who leads the Southeastern Virginia Arts Association. He said "The term 'hero' is subjective. People talk about Michael Vick as a convicted felon, well so was Jesus Christ yet he was able to do things above and beyond the naysayers to the point that we all recognize him today as Lord and Savior." Hold the phone, did that jackass just compare Christ to Vick?! I don't care if you're religious or not, that's just retarded. I'm not even going to pick up that fumble.

Muhammad went on to say that Michael journeyed across country talking to youth about the harm of dog fighting, to be good and that Vick was the little guy who deserves the chance to be honored. Hold the phone again, did he just say he was the little guy!? Vick is a football star, makes copious amounts of money and he's deserves something more? For what? Because he got in trouble and had to punished? A lot of those "noble acts" were court ordered and I would bet most of the rest were due to his management pushing to save face. He only had to overcome obstacles that he put in his own path.

My question is what is this Muhammad douche getting out of all this? Why now? What set this all off? He probably just hates PETA for getting up in Vick's ass (deservedly so) and this is his weird and ignorant revenge. Just in case you didn't know, PETA is based out of Norfolk and is two blocks from where this black tie affair is being held.

Anyways, I'm not saying he should be lashed every Sunday for the rest of his life for his callous and cruel crimes. He did the requirements the courts passed down, regardless of how light they might have been, and that's that. Maybe after 20 years of kicking major ass and being a social superhero should he be considered but I see nothing to date deeming Michael Vick worthy of any honoring.

MOVIE REVIEW: I AM NUMBER FOUR

I went to go see I am Number Four this Wednesday in IMAX. I knew this wouldn't be worth a movie ticket, especially one that costs seventeen freaking bucks but I figured anything gets bonus points when played on a monstrous screen, really really loud. I also can find the good in just about any movie... usually. That and my buddy really wanted to see it for some unknown reason.

Short Verdict
(Semi-Spoiler Free)
It's Twilight with aliens. If you like watching teen heart throb Alex Pettyfer (unknown to me before this) for long periods of time, then go see this movie immediately. If you want an original plot with with great acting, new visual concepts and to leave the movie with your mind blown or jaw on the floor, look elsewhere. Rent it, pirate it or wait for Netflix. Don't blow much (if any) dough on this standard Hollywood filler flick.
Stars: ★★★☆☆

Full Review
**SPOILER ALERT**
This movie was chock full of teenage high school drama vomit. Jocks versus nerds, former cheerleader turned completely unbelievable artsy misguided and ousted loner, classic teens rebelling against their parental units, the works. As I mentioned above, this was essentially Twilight but with aliens. "I am this creature with great power but I can't be with you, girl I just met, because it's far too dangerous for us both. But I our love and sexual frustration is eternal!" This was the majority of the movie but at least this main guy wasn't a lanky, doofus, mongoloid with a down syndrome face and icky hair.

I suffered through all that WB network dodoo in hopes of getting an action packed finale payoff. I was only mildly disappointed. There were some pretty cool fight scenes but half of the time they did that blurry camera nonsense to save them from actually paying effects guys. I want to actually SEE the action damn it! I liked the powers each good guy had and I just wanted to watch as much of that as possible. Glowing palm heat blaster powers that you can also use as flashlights? Though it was interesting seeing how uncontrollable they were at first and how it progressed, we all saw that in the Ironman flicks.

My biggest issue through all of this was with the antagonists. Just because you shave their heads, slap tribal tattoos on their domes, put fake pointy teeth in and make them wear long black trench coats, doesn't make them scary, hardcore or cool. To make it cheesier, each villain was packing huge plastic looking alien plasma guns. Go-go sci-fi cliches! They really didn't put much thought into these clowns. I use the word clowns on purpose because they had the mentalities of handicapped children. Essentially, they were no match for the good guy aliens what so ever.

I know it seems like I'm taking a massive dump on this movie but really I'm not… well not that big of one. Maybe just a handful of rabbit turds. It had flaws but I've seen worse and it was still better than Twilight.

ROT: NO SPEAK MONKEY

Nicky has a thing for those quarter machines that are filled with cheap little toys locked inside clear-domed "Easter" eggs. I can't say that I blame her, I love those machines too. Toys rule. I try to remember to keep fifty cents in my pocket every time we go grocery shopping just as my mother did for my brother and I. Nothing lights up her face like a cute little plastic animal.

This little dude she surprised me with one day coming back from lunch. She got herself one too of course but it definitely made me crack a grin. Mine currently sits atop my computer.


p.s. Man I really suck at keeping my Thursday posts on actual Thursday! My bad... again.

ART OF THE VIDEO GAME

I read today that the Smithsonian is doing an exhibition to the art of video games. A 40-year evolution and best of all is you get to help judge on it! High freaking five and count me in.

There are total of 80 games you can chose to "win" and each is chosen out of a set of three games per system. But you don't have to choose them all. I made sure and didn't vote for ones I hadn't played and if there was only one I did play out of the three contenders, I gave the others a fighting chance. I really thought about how cool looking the game I had experienced was and even did quick art research on the others. What can I say, I like to be thorough. That and I'm kinda nerdy sometimes.

It's shocking some of the game choices they have on there. Some really greatly underrated titles made the lists that I thought no one would ever remember or ever give it's due credit. Like uber neat-o Jet Grind Radio, the gorgeous and heart wrenching Shadow of the Colossus, the super artsy and dark Limbo and one of my all time favorites from the Nintendo days, Shadowgate!

I'm glad they were mentioned but some of the really beautiful but lesser known games are set against big titles making it pretty unfair. Take Shadowgate. It had rad medieval art and creepy-esque themes, it was like a choose your own adventure book brought to life! But it's matched against two of Nintendo's powerhouses, The Legend of Zelda and Final Fantasy. If you remember, those two were pretty flat and really not that visually stunning. They were on the other hand uber fun and absorbed countless hours to conquer and have some of the biggest fan followings of all time, including me. Most likely one of those will win just from name recognition alone and I would almost bet money it will be Zelda. On the other hand, sometimes the Smithsonian's choices are a total titan fight. The three choices for Xbox 360 for example is from Gears of War 2, Halo 3 and Bioshock. Those are all some big names in the modern industry but that one is no contest to me. Bioshock all the way baby. Amazing soundtrack, beautiful and innovative designs, stellar story and damn near perfect. Though great to look at, the other two are just alien splatter fests in crumbling urban settings rather than a genetic freak show maniac hunt nestled in a 1960's underwater art deco meets steampunk stylized underwater dystopian city.

Anyways, go pick your prettiest favorites but think hard and long before you make your choice. You can't change your answers! Don't judge on your love for the game alone and how many hours you sat trying to beat some of these ridiculously hard classics. Try to really remember how visually spectacular and artistically innovative it was. Art and video games... hooray!

DREAM: VIXEN AND THE SHEARS

Time for another dream!

I was working out of this big house and a lot of the people that I work with at my current job were there. I was coming in to work late and when I got there, my cat Vixen came up to me as usual. Immediately I know something was amiss. She was walking funny, shaking and more crying than meowing. I picked her up to kiss and console her and I noticed blood on her right front paw. On further examination I found that her toes had been cut off! Not just a single foot though but every single one of her precious kitty toes was mangled off.

I lost it. I dug through the miscellaneous drawer until I grasped onto the object I needed, a pair of huge, industrial, shiny silver shears. I then proceeded to grab everybody one by one, toss them against a solid surface and with one of their pinkies between my shears, violently demand to know what the hell happened.

Working from person to person and interrogating them, I finally found the culprit. As tears of anger were streaming down my face, I grabbed the woman out of her minivan as she was trying to leave. Pushing her up against her ride with the shears at her throat I asked what her motives were. This fat waste of space replied in a smug tone, "I saw her scratching one of the chairs so I declawed her."

My head nearly exploded.

"You couldn't wait until I came in to tell me so that I could take her home!?" I screamed.

She just shrugged.

I then cut off her pinky fingers, took her to court, sued her for attacking my cat and actually won. Vixen unfortunately was never the same.

I woke up on the verge of tears, angry and panicked but Vixen was right there and just fine. That morning she gave me tons of lovin' and I told her the whole story. She seemed grateful to have a parent that would never let anything like that ever happen.

Moral of the story:
Never declaw cats and don't you ever, ever hurt one of my felines or I will fuck you up.

CAPTAIN CRABBY MODE

More often than not, I am a jovial fellow. I like to spread love and make the world a better place through random acts of kindness. I pride myself on being a people person. But everyone needs their space to stew in irritability from time to time. Life always finds a way to make us all pissy at some point or another. My question is, why is it when you want to be left alone, everyone wants to freaking talk to you? It's almost like the most annoying people on earth get an urgent notice with your exact daily itinerary so they will have no problems tracking you down over and over again.

I'm never rude but my responses are short, to the point and my body language is pretty obvious as well. After I answer your question, I politely turn away from you, go back to whatever it was I was doing, all in courteous attempt to nicely discourage you from annoying me any further. I keep my eye contact to a minimum and I don't smile a lot. I purposely take other routes or wait until people have left my destination before I venture there. I focus on tasks to avoid human interaction.

But no matter what is done, the oblivious cretins who can't read body language and unmistakable warning signs, still have to bug you. If you can't tell when someone wants to be left alone just by looking at them, after the human race has had two hundred thousand years of perfecting non-verbal communication, then you are a retard. I don't want to talk about your cats bowel movements. I don't care if your offspring barfed in it's desk at school. I matters not to me that you drank a case of beer by yourself and passed out watching the funniest episode of Glee or some other mindless TV show last night. I want to be left alone. I don't hate you and I'm most likely not even cross by an issue you were even a part of. I'm angry at something I have no control over. I'm in physical or mental pain, not feeling well, tired as hell or maybe I just don't want to put up with monotonous petty crap. The poo filled possibilities are endless and it doesn't really matter, it's about me and something I want to deal with by my lonesome. Don't take it personally.

So if my brow is furrowed and I don't immediately say hi with a smile like I normally do, then it's feasible that I'm in captain crabby mode. Hence, it's probably best to leave me be. Just a heads up, arbitrary delicious offerings of doughnuts or chocolate that are left where I can find them might appease the beast. Just don't let me catch you there... I might bite you too.

ROBOCOP STATUE

Pay homage to war heroes, presidents, civil rights leaders? Detroit says no thanks. The want to erect something way more awesome, a statue of Robocop! Best idea ever. The people came together and raised dough to make it happen. How cool is that!? It better be bad ass though because Murphy is one of my fondest childhood icons.

That just makes me wish Kansas was known for something dope. Why couldn't Optimus Prime have crash landed here? Couldn't Wes Craven have made elm street in Wichita so we could have a Freddy Krueger piece? Piss on Gotham, why not make Batman defend Kansas City? I could care less about the Wizard of freaking Oz. Though I do have to admit, a fifty foot statue of the wicked witch of the west surrounded by a horde of flying monkeys would be pretty epic.

ROT: THE FRANKFORMER

Typically I do Random Object Thursday with images of things that I physically find. But rules are meant to be broken. I stumbled on something, via the amazing interwebz, that was just too crazy to pass up talking about.

I have found the coolest wiener altering device on earth. No, it has nothing to do with any pumping mechanisms you sickos. It's for your hot dogs! I discovered the The FrankFormer, A made in the USA device that turns ordinary franks into little creatures. You stick your cylindrical meat-typed object into the little plastic pod you see below, close it, and it cuts a face, legs and arms into it, creating a weenie person. Genius!