BOWS MAKE ME BARF

As I was shadowing Nicky while she shoe shopped this past weekend, I kept making guttural noises at all the crappy shoes that we found. That's when it hit me, I don't like bows. It's like designers don't know what to do and just slap a goofy bow on there when out of ideas. Now I'm not talking about your standard bow knot as in shoe laces. More often than not, these crap wads of material are only found on female goods. I'll cover as many as I can but I apologize ladies if I'm crapping all over your horribly accented wardrobe.

• Shoes: Nothing screams female dork like a bow on your shoes.
• Bow Tie: This has got to be one of the worst male outfit accessories ever. Be it worn by a male stripper, clown or a waiter, you look like a douche. Yes, even in a tux... unless your 007... which you are not. So along with tossing the tie at your next formal event, stop spouting lines in your horrible British accent and acting like your finger is a gun.
  
• Nightie/Stockings: Libido killers. Looks cheesy and it won't help you reclaim your virginal innocence so let your man gnaw them off you.
• Wedding/Formal/Casual Dress: Of all the impressions you want to leave with people, bow bimbo is not one I would recommend.
• Lapel Pins: Pick a symbol, design or slogan and make a real statement.
• Present/Gift: Really, it's just a waste of material. I just want what's inside damn it so stop adding to the ever growing consumer waste issue.
• Hat: This is only acceptable if you're sporting a classic themed outfit where you're dressed as a flapper or something.
  
• Hair of a Little Girl: This is the only one that is borderline. But remember, sticking one in the hair of your bratty daughter doesn't help her not suck.
• Hair of a Teen: You are probably last picked for prom. Take that dumb thing off your head and you might not have to date droolers.
• Hair of a Woman: You look the most ridiculous of all. Let go of your wasted youth and make better fashion choices.

To each their own and all but if you ask me, rip those things off and burn them. I'd rather see stapes in your shirt than a freaking bow.